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Mar. 29th, 2010 10:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
opera142My Wrestlemania plans crapped out, so being too cheap to shell out the 55 bucks for myself, I missed it. :(
Anyway.
Firstly, we have Batista, and he is out, ragefully out, to dismiss rumors that he stole his necklace and belt from Criss Angel. That cross on his belt buckle? It's his badge of crotch-y righteousness!
Also, Cena apparently has done something which sticks Batista's craw. Bats will not suffer this. His craw is his preferred injection site and he can't risk infections.
Many unnecessary and preachy minutes pass before Cena reveals the craw-sticking truth: Bats tapped.
The truth calls for punches! Artless, arc-ing punches. Also, name-calling, faux clapping and eventual exiting stage left. Too late to save us from this segment, but worthy of praise anyway, young Swagger lurches forth to clock Cena in the noggin with a suitcase. A match was going to happen, then didn't.
The Streak stands at 18-0. Instead of showing any of that awesome match, all us Raw-watching poor kids get is a replay of Sometimes A Mullet: a Shawn Michaels retrospective.
Here we see Shawn, not yet a man grown, full of dreams and babyfat. His mullet barely a feathered bang in a stylist's eye. What he lacked in mullet, he made up for in streamers. Pretty, pretty neon streamers.
Next, the guest hosts are two dudes WHO AREN'T JOHN CUSACK OMG I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS from Hot Tub Time Machine. Cole keeps 'splaining and 'splaining the premise. I figured it out myself Michael Cole. Thanks.
A bunch of old dudes meander around the ring looking for the coffee machine. Christian shows up because he's hoping one of them has the stroke to get him off Raw an onto Smackdown where the rest of the Preciouii frolic. Ted too! He wore his new blue magic panties (+3 to reasoning vs. Pat Patterson).
Sadly, his dad is there. Dad! And it's hard to slut your way to the top when your pops is hanging around, bellowing about decaf. Sure, Randy, his mentor, did it, but Randy has orange, slinky powers that no mere mortal can dream of.
So Christian and Ted decided to wrestle while out there. Vince sent Lawler to stop that shit. One old guy mistook Christian for the pulltab guy who ripped him off at the VFW last Sunday and it was ugly for a while. Then, IDK, the old guys turned on each other. Hobo fight!
Sometimes A Mullet: a Shawn Michael retrospective-- Chapter Two. Mo Mullets, Mo Problems, or HBK Got 99 Problems But Marty Jannetty Ain't One.
Lots o' Wrestlemania filler. To punish me for not buying the main course.
Backstage, the Hot Tub Dudes get in a hot tub with the d-level divas. Frontside, Triple H unknowingly walks into what will forever be known as The Day Everyone's Slash Fic Got Rooned.
It's begins well enough. Triple H makes Shawn's retirement all about him. He fakes emotions, the fans shout, and then just as HHH is about to declare his omg!tru luve to Shawn, with the words, "There's always something I've wanted to say to Shawn, but I never did. But, I want to say it now in front of the whole world..."
BAM! Sheamus, bearing the Steel Pipe of Steph's Wrath, screaming, "OTPCHATFICLOL!!!" clobbers Triple H. HHH collapses, much like the dreams of DX 'shippers.
The divas bring it to the ring and WishtheWorst's girlfriend pins mine. Mine had more sparkles!
Sometimes A Mullet: a Shawn Michael's retrospective -- chapter 3. That Really Good Ladder Match Versus the Drunk Guy.
And, Sometimes A Mullet: a Shawn Michael's retrospective -- chapter 4. Now His Gimmick Sorta Goes Bondage-y, And Opera Wonders Here With So Much Canon Latex and Pleather and Bottlecaps Why Isn't There Any HBK Kink Fic?
Bret Hart has found closure. Angelic high-fives!
Miz debuts his new look: whore kicked out the backdoor in just his coat and shoes because the wife came home early. He's not really in the mood to discuss high-fives. Which brings out the Hart Dynasty to defend high-fives.
They have new pink panties. Beat these, Ted! MizShow vs. Hart Dynasty. HD wisely start the match by displaying Miz's abs for all to see. He also has a pair of rather pink cheeks. I had the vapors from then on. Big Show, ever sensitive to my vapors, yells at Miz and drags him off like so much ill-gotten booty.
Sometimes A Mullet: a Shawn Michael's retrospective -- chapter 5. Super Bondage-y For Awhile, Then Chillin' With Chyna and Triple H.
More Swagger! Do you smell that? It stinks like Money In The Bank. I bet Steph cackled when she planned for the Precious!Fest to end that way. JOKE'S ON YOU STEPH I'M JACK SWAGGER'S ONLY FAN. Think I don't like big, luggy, farmboys? THINK AGAIN, MISSY. Lads sweaty from farm chores > 'roidy dudes in a sauna. NO MATTER WHAT TWIG HAS BEEN TELLING YOU.
More Cena. Geez, Steph Geez. At least his partner is Young Randall. Which vexes Batista. NOONE CAN DEFEAT HIS SLINKINESS. NOONE.
Slap 'em all, Randy.
And slap he did, with great spray-tanned fury Face turn. Damn it!
HBK's goodbye was a thanks-for-the-wrestling moment.
Anyway.
Firstly, we have Batista, and he is out, ragefully out, to dismiss rumors that he stole his necklace and belt from Criss Angel. That cross on his belt buckle? It's his badge of crotch-y righteousness!
Also, Cena apparently has done something which sticks Batista's craw. Bats will not suffer this. His craw is his preferred injection site and he can't risk infections.
Many unnecessary and preachy minutes pass before Cena reveals the craw-sticking truth: Bats tapped.
The truth calls for punches! Artless, arc-ing punches. Also, name-calling, faux clapping and eventual exiting stage left. Too late to save us from this segment, but worthy of praise anyway, young Swagger lurches forth to clock Cena in the noggin with a suitcase. A match was going to happen, then didn't.
The Streak stands at 18-0. Instead of showing any of that awesome match, all us Raw-watching poor kids get is a replay of Sometimes A Mullet: a Shawn Michaels retrospective.
Here we see Shawn, not yet a man grown, full of dreams and babyfat. His mullet barely a feathered bang in a stylist's eye. What he lacked in mullet, he made up for in streamers. Pretty, pretty neon streamers.
Next, the guest hosts are two dudes WHO AREN'T JOHN CUSACK OMG I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS from Hot Tub Time Machine. Cole keeps 'splaining and 'splaining the premise. I figured it out myself Michael Cole. Thanks.
A bunch of old dudes meander around the ring looking for the coffee machine. Christian shows up because he's hoping one of them has the stroke to get him off Raw an onto Smackdown where the rest of the Preciouii frolic. Ted too! He wore his new blue magic panties (+3 to reasoning vs. Pat Patterson).
Sadly, his dad is there. Dad! And it's hard to slut your way to the top when your pops is hanging around, bellowing about decaf. Sure, Randy, his mentor, did it, but Randy has orange, slinky powers that no mere mortal can dream of.
So Christian and Ted decided to wrestle while out there. Vince sent Lawler to stop that shit. One old guy mistook Christian for the pulltab guy who ripped him off at the VFW last Sunday and it was ugly for a while. Then, IDK, the old guys turned on each other. Hobo fight!
Sometimes A Mullet: a Shawn Michael retrospective-- Chapter Two. Mo Mullets, Mo Problems, or HBK Got 99 Problems But Marty Jannetty Ain't One.
Lots o' Wrestlemania filler. To punish me for not buying the main course.
Backstage, the Hot Tub Dudes get in a hot tub with the d-level divas. Frontside, Triple H unknowingly walks into what will forever be known as The Day Everyone's Slash Fic Got Rooned.
It's begins well enough. Triple H makes Shawn's retirement all about him. He fakes emotions, the fans shout, and then just as HHH is about to declare his omg!tru luve to Shawn, with the words, "There's always something I've wanted to say to Shawn, but I never did. But, I want to say it now in front of the whole world..."
BAM! Sheamus, bearing the Steel Pipe of Steph's Wrath, screaming, "OTPCHATFICLOL!!!" clobbers Triple H. HHH collapses, much like the dreams of DX 'shippers.
The divas bring it to the ring and WishtheWorst's girlfriend pins mine. Mine had more sparkles!
Sometimes A Mullet: a Shawn Michael's retrospective -- chapter 3. That Really Good Ladder Match Versus the Drunk Guy.
And, Sometimes A Mullet: a Shawn Michael's retrospective -- chapter 4. Now His Gimmick Sorta Goes Bondage-y, And Opera Wonders Here With So Much Canon Latex and Pleather and Bottlecaps Why Isn't There Any HBK Kink Fic?
Bret Hart has found closure. Angelic high-fives!
Miz debuts his new look: whore kicked out the backdoor in just his coat and shoes because the wife came home early. He's not really in the mood to discuss high-fives. Which brings out the Hart Dynasty to defend high-fives.
They have new pink panties. Beat these, Ted! MizShow vs. Hart Dynasty. HD wisely start the match by displaying Miz's abs for all to see. He also has a pair of rather pink cheeks. I had the vapors from then on. Big Show, ever sensitive to my vapors, yells at Miz and drags him off like so much ill-gotten booty.
Sometimes A Mullet: a Shawn Michael's retrospective -- chapter 5. Super Bondage-y For Awhile, Then Chillin' With Chyna and Triple H.
More Swagger! Do you smell that? It stinks like Money In The Bank. I bet Steph cackled when she planned for the Precious!Fest to end that way. JOKE'S ON YOU STEPH I'M JACK SWAGGER'S ONLY FAN. Think I don't like big, luggy, farmboys? THINK AGAIN, MISSY. Lads sweaty from farm chores > 'roidy dudes in a sauna. NO MATTER WHAT TWIG HAS BEEN TELLING YOU.
More Cena. Geez, Steph Geez. At least his partner is Young Randall. Which vexes Batista. NOONE CAN DEFEAT HIS SLINKINESS. NOONE.
Slap 'em all, Randy.
HBK's goodbye was a thanks-for-the-wrestling moment.
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no subject
Date: 2010-03-30 05:15 am (UTC)Warn a girl before you unleash snark of that caliber. My netbook almost got doused with iced tea.
And Opera Wonders Here With So Much Canon Latex and Pleather and Bottlecaps Why Isn't There Any HBK Kink Fic?
Your guess is as good as mine, though I've always thought that the story of "the night Shawn got beat up by a bunch of Marines in Syracuse" is code for "the night one of Shawn's scenes went really wrong and all his tops were in Europe".
Frontside, Triple H unknowingly walks into what will forever be known as The Day Everyone's Slash Fic Got Rooned.
Fuckers. That's okay, the shippers know he was going to end that with "I love you, Shawn".
NOONE CAN DEFEAT HIS SLINKINESS. NOONE.
Seriously, I worry for his opponents. Clearly Randy isn't getting laid enough. John should get on that, unless, as I suspect, he's worried about the spray-tan eating his brain.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-30 01:00 pm (UTC)BAM! Sheamus, bearing the Steel Pipe of Steph's Wrath, screaming, "OTPCHATFICLOL!!!" clobbers Triple H. HHH collapses, much like the dreams of DX 'shippers.
And now they all sit in a ditch. In the rain. And they weep. Muahahahahahahahaha. Ha.
The only good thing about Randy's face turn is how confused/disappointed he seems by it.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-31 01:44 pm (UTC)I sort of like Swagger? I thought he was cute when he was in ECW, and now he's being pushed... *thinky*
no subject
Date: 2010-04-02 02:52 pm (UTC)