Smackdown kicks off with a re-cap of Everything Opera Doesn’t Like About Recent Storylines. An orange and wide Heel!Precious (who, btw, isn’t being hounded by Taker---more on that later, and has come back way too soon. heal your gut, lose 20lbs, and quit drinking like Lindsey Lohan), an ever-noble and doing his own thang Jeff Hardy, heel!Punk sans the blue pants with orange stars. Sadly this re-cap doesn’t lead to a lesson (perhaps delivered by Taker in Prussian drag) for the Precious in the subtle yet delicious differences between Good Orange/Bad Orange.
It does, however, lead to a pantsless Punk yelling, mainly about Jeff. When will my Hardy get a half-naked dude, prone to woodies while sweating, scolding him? Pops Hardy doesn’t count, and I’m sure just as there is in wrestling, Jeff got more of that particular chastisement too.
Teddy Long tries to right the evening. He scolds Punk (b-Precious, surely), puts him in a punishment match (another Wrong Thing: face!John Morrison), and pushes his managerial agenda. Except he’s way too nice about it, and no lurid thrills or pleasing terror can slither from the shadow cast by George Jefferson.
Jeff arrives, bringing with him a Great and Terrible Orange. Wal-Mart really needs to stock other aerosol products so the Hardys can throw those things into bonfires. This spray tan nonsense is yet another Thing Opera Doesn’t Like About Recent Storylines. JR claims Jeff walks gingerly, which causes Moe to yell “The Ginger Enigma!” Which causes me to decide that should I ever become a super hero or a stripper, my name will be Ginger Enigma.
Jeff claims “He’s hurt, but he’s here… IN YOUR FACE.” No one has a retort, so the segment flees to a commercial break.
In the dank crypts beneath the arena, the Phantom of the Card torments Runjin. It is revealed Runjin is Khali’s brother. So it’s TWO wrong brothers starring in the kidnap/torment scene. When I demand breadcrumbs, Steph, what I really mean is artisan ciabatta rubbed with olive oil and garlic. Appease me, and quickly!
Also backstage, but apparently not caring about federal crimes being committed by his employees while on workplace premises, is Teddy Long. Mr. McMahon reminds him he’s on probation and makes him book a handicap match between Jeff and the Hart Dynasty. Fine, Vince. I put Steph on probation!
More Finlay, Mike Knox, and Dolph Ziggler nonsense. Why does Rey have to get all these guys over? Can’t Hunter make a star or two for once? Maria and Melina wonder about that too, until Layla tells them the camera’s on.
Punk and Morrison wrestle. Finally, some swooning at the sublime can happen. Flippy and counter-y and smooth execution and Smackdown should be 1hr45mins of them wrestling each other, and few minutes of M. Hardy doing things that I will complain about.
More Kane and Runjin. Kinda-sorta lurid thrills to go with Punk and Morrison’s sublimeness. If only there weren’t 875412886 logic errors in this.
Melina pinned Layla in a stunning upset. Cryme Tyme lost to Big Show in a stunning defeat. Jericho was cloaked behind JR, at the announcer’s table, lest he incite the crowd to cheering or caring or getting their money’s worth.
Khali comes to Runjin’s rescue. Since Teddy wouldn’t call the police, Khali had to call himself. After a wee bit of bondage/ropeplay, Kane and Khali get into the harder stuff. Then Kane leaves, slamming the door behind him.
Oh look, it’s Jeff Hardy being the noble, injured, beset upon, outnumbered face fighting the good fight. More flippy, and anytime Tyson Kid yells (he sounds like Chris Tucker) I’m entertained. The match goes haywire, Punk then Morrison show up and brawl. The Precious blunders in, on the lam for jacking X-Pac’s bandana. Moe laughs at the Precious’ voluminous mumu, and I sulk so thoroughly it takes me minutes to realize, Matt got a haircut. It’s an awful Gavin Rossdale bob, but it’s a start. He also seems to go face, which I distrust as he made over-the-top, ACK-tingesque gestures with the hand Jeff broke. Smackdown ends as I peer suspiciously at my television screen. Probation for nearly everyone!
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