Raw

[opera142]

To start, there was Edge. Crap. He demanded that I appreciate him. Uh, no. Cena power-walked onto the scene and demanded I respect his from-the-street ways. Not gonna do that either. Then Triple H appeared on the ramp. I wished a herd of smark midgets dressed Renfestivally would have stormed the ramp and danced gaily around both HHH and an under-sized stonehedge replica. Ribbons spiraling everywhere, security chasing down midgets while Benny Hill's theme song played.

Instead, there was snapz.
HHH: You don't want to be me? Don't worry, John. No one will confuse you for me.
HHH: (to audience) Who told you people I care what you think?
Cena: Here I stand, between an asshole (that would be Edge) and an ass-kisser (HHH, I guess) Why don't you two make-out?

and, attention whoring

Edge:. Look at me! I want attention! Thumbtacks! Barbedwire! Trick groin! Flames! I! Me! Lita has boobs, and I touched them when I wasn't supposed to!

and, more snapz
Edge: You are a complete joke.

and, phone calls
HHH: I just got off the phone with the old man...Vince.. and he told me that tonight's main event is Me and Cena versus Edge.
Edge: I'm the biggest threat in the triple threat match.
Opera: That's some ace dialogue.
Moe: It seems that triple H would be more threatening in any environment based on a 'triple' system.

I should have been pissed. Lame dialogue. Lame story. Cena. Edge. But... I seriously dig the idea of a long-term Cena/HHH tag team. HHH would temper Cena's mallbrat image. Cena would temper HHH's... HHHy-ness. Maybe get him to stop feathering his hair so much. They could have a total rich guy hanging with the so-called thug, smarmy bad guy team.

During the commercials I TiVo'd through, HHH punked out Conway. Then Conway had to job to RvD. Stoner with a briefcase = funny. I want him to keep things in it. Egg salad sandwiches, Legos, junk mail that he calls "paperwork", play money held together with a real money clip, business cards that say Rob! Van! Dam! and have little thumbs pointing at his name.

Mr. Benjamin supplied commentary for the squash. Mercy, mercy me. He looked divine. All silk-covered. Orange fading paler and paler... a Dreamsicle in need of a licking. But just because he was looking sweet didn't mean he had anything but sour snark on his mind.

Shelton: Amazing? Is that all you have to say about me?
King: Have you ever been bitten by a radio-active spider?
Opera: THANK YOU. OMG. A reference I'm expected to figure out for myself.

Backstage, Mickie in Trish-drag offered Maria a chance at the women's title.

Farther backstage, Steve Romero (WHERE IS TODD)interviewed Kane and subjected us all to scenes from See No Evil. Kane went batshit. Starting hearing voices. They weren't creepy so much as nagging. They pestered him about April 18th. Blame the juicy goodness, Kane.

Instead of working off his crazy by bondaging pretty boys, he crumpled in a corner. Show told him to get his head together. They have a match. Next! Kane was all, Hells yeah my head is good! Then he spanked Show.

I hope that was mere preparation for other non-connery. Preferably against the Spirit Squad. If ever there was an opportunity for bondaging pretty collegians...

Fun match, though a bit typical. Lots of flippy and pea-shelling from the Squaders. Lots of rowr!smash from Kane and Show. Show chopped Mikey, leaving a ginormous red handprint over one pec, and the other squaders cuddled poor Mikey to make it all better. After that, they attacked en masse, like a swarm of pretty locust.

And somewhere along the way, the juicy goodness overwhelmed Kane. Thus came the Great Buck. Chairs and damage to everyone's heads. Chokeslam to Show. Heel turn, ladies and gents. No wonder Todd was no where around.

A video package took us through Vince and Shane's visit to a church. Vince used holy water to imitate HHH's water-spouting entrance. Shane cringed in terror. They blasphemed up and down the aisles. Shane began the Lord's Prayer, then faltered when he noticed Vince tampered with the lines. Vince dared God to strike him down. Shane made sure he was am arm's length away.

A retraction: Last week, Opera142's lj incorrectly identified the new foreign manager as Hermando. His name is Armando. Opera142's lj regrets any confusion this may have caused. Also regretful was Umanga's squash of er.. .edit: Colt Cabana and his use of a thumb poke as his finisher. The whole storyline must Go Away Now.

Smackdown Rebound: Birth Announcement for the assbaby. No Ever-Precious Sightings.

Carlito went on a diet. He lost "270 pounds of dead weight". He also called Masters a "piece of something" and "a meathead". LOVES. Masters charged to refute those claims. He and Carlito fought dirty. No sticking to the issue at hand for them. It was all 'you screwed HBK', 'you screwed John Cena', 'yeah, well you screwed Professor Plum in the Conservatory'
Carlito: Bitch.
Masters: slut.

Then Master tried to trick Carlito into the Full Nelson, but the Bon-Bon just whapped upside the cranium with a folding chair. My clever little Bon-Bon.

Mickie Vs. Maria was less bad than I figured. And the less bad was made fun by a run-in from Trish. Dressed as Mickie. Complete with FINE, BETHONGED GIRL-BUTT. Suck on our femslash possibilities 7of9/Janeway shippers.

MainEvent: Yawn. Punch, wait, stare, run a rope, punch, stare, wait, wait, wait. Triple H bodyslammed Edge.
Opera: Now step on his hair.
Moe: This isn't a girlfight.
Opera: Think it ain't?
Moe: You zunged 'em, baby.

Edge tapped. Too little too late.

Comments

[sorchar.livejournal.com]

I'm pissed off that I missed that bit with Shane and Vince. It sounds SO Cypress.