Oh, Smackdown. You've changed.

[opera142]

Remember last week when Big Show was a total dick and wrecked all of Swagger's stuff? Well forget about that! Punk is in the ring with some dudes from a Nickelback cover band. Luke is feeling a little jealous, a little insecure. Serena couldn't be happier-- she's the only chick on a curtain-jerking desert isle. Also, she just mugged Liza Minelli and jacked her false eyelashes. Straight-edge and smokey!

Punk is a kind saviour, but he has needs. Some would say those needs are shampoo, pants and bus money. They would say wrong. Punk needs to gather 90 feet of hair for Locks of Love or he'll be up for elimination on The Apprentice. Luckily, one of the Nickelbackers is a pudgy, Richie Rich all-growed up and gone trustafarian. Punk's hoping to cull a good fifteen feet of badly dyed, reality show triumph from Tubby.

Rey Mysterio hates reality shows. Gawd, why do people watch that crap? In keeping with tonight's theme,he's a dick. He calls the Nicklebackers "silly." Punk retorts, "They're beautiful!" Then he beats them up, because dude, a Nickleback cover band.

McCool and Layla are BFF champs. It's hard to hate on that.

Big Show is still gloating. He asks no one and everyone, "Did you know I knocked Jack Swagger the fuck out?"

Over on Raw, Randy is oily, slinky and half-dressed. Here on Smackdown, Caylen Croft has to wrestle JTG. What does JTG stand for? Just That Good? I hope not. Jason Timothy Gray? Jude the Great? Will we ever know or have names become needless, dated characterization?

Christian and Vickie are backstage, discussing how to make the show better. Behind a lavendar curtain, a size-12 shadow lurks... Christian, much like Big Show and Rey before him, acts like a total dick. He runs down Vickie, and excuse me! my heart breaks.

Vance Archer (new gimmick: creepy dude from the halfway house behind the Burger King) and Curt Hawkins squash jobbers. Wasn't that fun.

Mid in-ring promo, Jack Swagger fights tears. Big Show disrespected his daddy. Big Show made fun of his Eagle Scout badges. Why is everyone being such a jerk? Swagger isn't going to take it silently. Someone has to fight back against the faces and their evil ways. Disrespect can only be paid back with more disrespect.

But not right now, because he has to wrestle Kofi. Fun match. Everyone gets sweaty. Jack loses because Show brings his dickery front and center. Don't celebrate, Kofi. Your win is tainted.

Peep Show. Christian has come such a long way from that unfortunate DEB fashion phaze. If only he would teach rest. Seriously, Christian. Loan them a hoodie suitcoat and they are fashionably okay for a day. Teach them not to shop at the Big and Tall Dollar Store and they are fashionably ok for life.

Sadly, his set pieces are not fashionably okay. Two director's chairs and a wicker chest scrounged from his mom's sewing room. WHO WILL SPRING FROM THAT CHEST?

Not Vickie. Excuse me, or Chavo. Vickie is sick of all this shit. The Peep Show is shut down. Take your plastic Canadian quarters and take off, eh.

In a surprizing turn on a wrestling cliche, Hornswoggle enters the chest. WHAT NOW.

Dolph Ziggler. Geez, Steph, Geez. Christian is helpless against Ziggler's platnium mulleted run-in. So he plays dead. So does the crowd.

Rey and MVP are about to whoop on Punk and Luke. Of note is MVP's back. It is sans the Al Roker tatoo. This means he can wrestle with his trunks unzipped.

Hanging Low and Loose seems to work for him and Rey. Luke and Joey "WWE wants a Shannon Moore too" Mercury may have planned their work, but they did not work their plan. Punk sulks off.

Big Show tosses Drew McIntyre around the ring. I join Punk in sulking off. Oh Smackdown, you used bring so much joy.