Raw

[opera142]

Swagger, blond and be-suited, stands in a Raw ring to bellow about his Smackdown belt. IDK either! But he's pretty. Bellow all you want, baby.

Sadly, the bellowing was not to be. Cena arrives and brings with him his usual lectures and moralizing. Tonight he's going on and on and on and on and on about... geez, who cares. The importance of winning only if Cena believes you are championship material? Why don't they fight right now so Swagger can job to priggish righteousness.

Swagger: John, that doesn't work for me on a couple of levels. (Fucking awesome, right--ed.)

Randy strides out. He has had enough of dudes IN PANTS OF ALL OUTRAGEOUS THINGS hogging the opening segment. ShowMiz show up next. Then David Otunga. He's crabby because a 4-year old cut his hair. He makes a bunch of matches for TONIGHT. Oddly, none of those matches were a title match for himself.

Afterward, Randy goes nuts on everyone. NOONE can withstand his slinky orange prowess.

Sheamus vs. Kofi. Whatever squash-like vegetation grows in Ireland, that's what this was. Post-match, the OTPCHATFICLOL!pipe comes into dastardly play. Hunter cannot abide, and so un-abidefully pre-wets his hair and marches to the ring.

Where Sheamus has been gloating throughout an entire commerical break. In a quirky bit o' luck, he starts "pro-mo-ing" as the show returns. He talks shit about Hunter and Shawn and the Slash that Dare Not Have A Mashed Name In Front of Steph. Hunter glowers, pre-wetted hair glistening as though he and his 'ship have spent the night in a ditch, in the rain.

At first, he dares not challenge Sheamus and the OTPCHATFICLOL!pipe. But then he and his tight-fitting jeans decide it's time to man up. Time to stand up by bending over. Time to fight OTPCHATFICLOL!pipe with Sweet Sister Sledge!

Recap: Hunter discovers the secret of fire. Bulky man hit wee electronic with sledge hammer. Wee electronic makes big sparks. Wee Michael Cole make big scream.

Diva Battle Royale. Maryse does red carpet commentary. Everyone wears a size 12 (atta girl) and shops at Goodwill (... hey!). Gail goes out quick. Le disgrace. WishtheWorst's girlfriend ain't afraid to kick.

Next week: My girlfriend defends her belt against WishtheWorst's gf. Oh, if only they would wear Superman panties while Bubba Ray Dudley refs.

Backstage, David Otunga is so Raw he'll give you food poisoning. Members of his entourage include: that guy from The The; P. Diddy's younger brother, P. Kyle; some guy who was almost a member of Backstreet Boys. Santino's heart breaks as he learns the A-list is not the same as the A-team. WHERE IS MR.T?

Subway: pepperoni is the new bacon. Well, I'll be!

ShowMiz vs. Batista and Cena. Batista is in a snit. It's getting too warm to wear moonboots to the ring; Twig forgot to iron his kneepads; Arby's at the airport charged extra for HorseySauce; he's tagging with Cena. He ditches out on Cena. Cena charges up the ramp to punch some competitive spirit into him.

Count out. OH NOES.

David Otunga steps out to forestall a Cena hissy fit. ShowMiz has to wrestle again. This time versus Cena and David "himself" Otunga. I'm torn. Praise David for taking my title-snatching advice or bitch him out for moar Cenaz.

Commerical: NXT. ISN'T FUNNY JERICHO HAS A BUTLER? OPERA WOULD LIKE JERICHO TO BE BUTLER BUT WE MADE IT SO HE HAS A BUTLER, AND WE ALSO PUT A STOP TO JUSTIN'S TEENY VINYL FRIPPERY. DOES IT SMELL LIKE ROONING IN HERE TO YOU?

Ted Dibiase has daddy issues. Which can apparently be soothed by tacky jewelry. Just like my cousin, Janet. Oooh. Now Christian shows up. Both men strip and paw each other. This is more like it. I want hair-pulling and tilt-a-whirl back breakers.

Christian tries to rile up the crowd by clapping, but soon regrets it. Ohio is starving for a good ho-down, and Christian inadvertedly started one. He quickly jobs before anyone can distill moonshine.

Backstage shots of Randy walking for no other reason that he is slinky and orange and pantless.

Commercial: Denny's. Our pancakes come with a side of french toast. Wtf.

Swagger vs. Young Randall: In a pyschological masterstroke, Jack wears extrenous clothing to the ring. This confuses and hurts Young Randall. Randy halts on the ramp-- my God, he thinks, does Swagger even bother to manscape?

In the ring, it's grabby hands and body-to-body suplexes, and in the end, slinky orangess triumphs over blond hunkiness.

MoarShowMiz vs. MoarCena and MoarDavidOtunga.

Otunga has stripper pants. Cena has an blue and orange hat. Miz approves of neither. Show wasn't really paying attention. Otunga pulls a Batista and dodges Cena's tag. MoarBatista now. Raw closes with a Batista Bomb and a spotlight and a threat of a Last Man Standing match.