SD

[opera142]

Wow. They're still in Toronto. That poor trapped audience, there since Monday night. Missing Christmas and Boxing Day, having to endure Wednesday's Boogeyman Vs. Mike Knox Iron Man Match. On the TitanTron, DX continues their holiday schilling with DX underwear, $500.00 raffle tickets for a chance to use one of the arena's six showers, and food that isn't a hot dog.

When HHH saunters to the ring, Toronto cheers. The past 5 years have taught WWE fans that unless it's a video montage about a torn quad, when Hunter shows up, it's the main event, and Toronto is ready to go the fuck home.

Hunter's angsty. This time of year makes him reflective, and really, If he could save time in a bottle, the first thing that he'd like to do is to save every day 'til eternity passes away. Just to spend them with you... then, suddenly remembering that he has a set, he butches up his musings to You don't tug on Superman's cape. You don't spit into the wind. You don't pull the mask off of Kane, and you don't mess with Trips. Hear that, Koslov?

Then remembering that Koslov is more into disco, Hunter reaches under the ring, pulls out the Sweet Hammer of Vengeance, and declares the next song is by Sister Sledge.

Chavo and his pancho are out, and they're totally feeling Hunter's torn-between-two-lovers vibe, but dude, enough with the A.M Gold.

Hunter having lost his "safe" way of expressing himself, tears into Vickie with some D-level fat bashing. Vickie charges on scene. EXCUSE ME. Fat jokes are Opera's death, and they're supposed to be about Steph, Edge, Mike Knox, and whoever in the Hell ' the Precious' is. I wouldn't be wearing guachos and magenta lipstick if I had body image issues so STFU. Get me a ref!

So it's Lil Naitch, Chavo and Trips. Quick and dirty match. One comedy spot when Chavo attempts to use Eddie's toss-a-chair-to-the-other-guy-and-fake-getting-plastered-so-that-the-ref-calls-for-a-DQ. Lil Naitch doesn't look in time, and Hunter throws the chair away.

Hunter has gone soft. Hunter of old would have plastered Chavo with the chair and outsmarted the ref. Match ends with the deadly combo of Pedigree/face-pinned by Hunter's crotch. Vickie disapproves of Hunters majestic and self-assured masculinity. In disgust, she returns to Edge and their cache of post-Christmas, 50%-off chocolate Santas.

Kizarny vignette. Dammit. I thought WWE had lost interest like everyone else has. Kizarny, it turns out, is a painslut. Sorry, Kiz. You must be THIS HOT to make self-inflicted tongue burns interesting.

Shelton Vs. Shane Helms for the IC belt. Early on, I get giddy at the thought that Helms went and got himself a dated, but thoroughly Opera-pleasing Grunge-ear bob. Lamently, it's just a badly constructed ponytail. Ok enough match for other people. But these two can GO, and they don't. Lots of stomp, kick, stomp, and I wanted GO.

JR has hot gossip about the Hardy Party. Next!

Caritlo con Primo y Las Bellas vs. El Brian Kendrick and Super Zeke. Where have the Bon-Bon's silky drawstring pants and sandals gone? Near the end of the match, Zeke creates a distraction by murdering Primo at ringside. The Bellas paw him back to life. Carlito does a little murdering of his own with a wicked BackCracker/monkey flip combo.

Backstage, Vickie lets it be known that HHH isn't the only one torn between two lovers. Big Show's back, and when Edge tries to freak out about it, Vickie's all Talk To The Hand, Beyotch.

Also backstage, is the coffee machine. Maria and Michelle hang out there and pretend to be friends until Michelle remembers she's got Taker's stroke by proxy and gets a little bossy. She wants Maria to play favorites while reffing Michelle and Maryse's diva match.

In the ring, Maryse continues her World's Hottest Mime gimmick. I approve! When she rides Michelle and snarls "I'm beautiful!", it takes great control and laziness not to crawl to the TV and lick the screen.

Shamwow commerical! Omg, Vince. I love your dickish, angry pitch. Look, he can't do this all day. Either you want these damn yellow towels or you're a stupid asshole who can't dial a phone number and give your credit card number to a stranger. The Germans make good stuff!

MVP. The "M" stands for meepies. He's all sadfaces and depsondent and I'm a girl-like sucker for that. I believe in you MVP. He has to job to Great Khali, then fake injury while Mr. Kennedy drones about that damn movie. NOONE WANTS TO WATCH UR BADGUYZ GO KABLEWY AND ALSO THERE'S PROBABLY SOMEONE'S BEWBS RANDOMLY MOVIE. Shut up about it.

Jimmy Wayne Jobs to Koslov. EVERY SINGLE EVERYBODY GETS THEIR PRECIOUS ATTACKED, BEATEN OR TERRORIZED BY GLUMPS BUT ME. MY PRECIOUS WASNT EVEN ON TV THIS WEEK EXCEPT TO PRAISE TO HIS BROTHER WHERE IS THE TERRORIZING AND ATTACKING AND GLUMP-DRIVEN STORYLINES.

Le pout.

The main event, OH GEE THIS IS A SURPRISE, is Jeff vs. Big Show. His make-up is particularily awful tonight, as he's missed his chin. Jeff came to Toronto to kick ass and do meth, and he's all out of meth. Big Show eats announcer desk, then pavement. Jeff wins by the character-building count out. Brief glimpse of the Precious who is wearing a purple shirt over a black shirt and I say outloud "Can't you even get that right, geez Matt." Vickie says something about the Hardyz having to wrestle Edge and Show next week and it better not mean a heel turn for the Precious. I WANT CHRISTIAN TO BE THE STAIRWELL ATTACKER NOT MATT.

Comments

[librarista.livejournal.com]

Dammit! Because of the two days off I kept thinking yesterday was Monday and was happy about Raw. But then I'd remember what day it really is and I still forgot about Smackdown.

Next week I hope the main event is Edge pointing and laughing at Jeff's makeup and Big Show sitting ringside drinking a beer or something.