Recaps and newz
Jul. 31st, 2008 06:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
opera142Steph and Trips had their kid. A girl. Murphy Clare. I rather like the name. Except, I don't like it paired with Aurora. Doesn't seem fair to name one girl Aurora, and the other Murphy. It's like you're setting different expectations for them.
I imagine it came about because Steph had originally picked Chandra, and Shane and Marissa were like "Look sister, we're more whitebread than Wonder. Reconsider your name choice or we'll make sure that kid's legal name is Muffy Martha Van Prepsteen."
TNA let Tomko go. HUH. Now who will Christian boss around and make cry?
Segment 1: The Unstoppable push meets the immoveable one.
Cena has his chagrined face on. This means a promo where he be insincerely self-effacing, monotone-ly mocking, and earnestly learning us lesson about… something. A value or belief that happens to coincide with his agenda. Like if a tru gangsta with Popeye arms all accidently clocks some no-getting-it-done dude who’s vying for the same belt… that’s no reason to ride the hate train.
Batista walks himself on up to the ring. Walks, ‘cause he ain’t no hate train rider. He’s got more forgiveness in his pinkie than the Pope got in his big giant hat. To prove it, he says that after he defeats Punk for the belt, Cena’s first in line for a shot at it.
That’s mighty white of you, Dave.
They argue about first contendership and who beat who never and really, it’s just both of them being unable to bring up what’s really on their minds: Dude, what they fuck are you wearing?
Mr. Worse Outfit Ever goes to…
a)John Cena. T-shirt that features the first MarySue pairing mash up. Cenation. OMG Him+America=Tru Love.
b)Batista and the basketball jersey that was too tight and unfortunately striped so as to give him a circa 1955 pointy cone-boob rack. To complete the ensemble, Batista sports diamond earrings the size of ping-pong balls and hiking boots.
Shane rushes out because Jesus, they’re threatening a “match”. He makes up a teensy-tiny whitebread lie. There’s a new GM, andno one he or she doesn’t want you guys wasting anymore airtime fighting right now.
Segment 2: Cutest Couple dance-off.
Santino Marella & Beth Phoenix vs. Kelly Kelly and D’Lo Brown. Dlo’s head reminds me of the Nefertiti bust. Kelly Kelly should be teamed with Mr. Kennedy… Kennedy. Kelly… Kelly.
Heh. Kennedy. There’s someone with a fallen star.
Anyway the only point of this match was so Santino and Beth could mack. I approve. I hope matching headbands are in their future.
Segment 3: Backstage with Shane.
The image of Vince looms over all. Shane stands before it, pondering. Will anyone remember what I said about a new GM? And if they do, should I cake on it like WWE does with so many of its storylines. Cake….
Segment 4: Well, it's just like - they're people I work with, and our job is being popular and shit.
Another match, this one featuring Jim Duggen is threatened. Shane fakes a note with the help of Christian Slater. The new GM doesn’t want Duggan in the match for a myriad of reasons.
Michael Cole will fight instead. A precious in peril! I <3 u newGMguy or girl. Not only is Cole a precious in peril, but he is a precious in peril against snotty frat boys and he goes downing swinging. Swinging like a drunk chick on the Real World, but swinging nonetheless.
Where is the date-rapey skeeser sexfic featuring Ted JR. WHERE
Segment 5: Next gen Kane.
Adamle takes Cole’s spot at the desk. Remember this. There will be test later.
Jamie Noble, the Diva maker. Srsly. They always pair him with a bland, random diva and his charming love gets the chick over. Then she gets his storyline. Then Jamie has to make lemonade out of another lemon-y story.
More Segment 5 with actual match: Jamie jobs to Kofi.
Segment 6: Tankinis are flattering for any body type.
Regal has returned. Perhaps he lost a bet, perhaps he is being punished, perhaps he is embracing his inner 60-year-old woman. He is wearing a bathing suit from the Jacqueline Smith for Kmart collections.
Also he beats the snot out of Punk. Bloody nose and brutal slugs. I like to watch them fight! Punk wins, and JBL who was all up in the commentary desk, charges the ring. Punk, bloody and manly, ain’t having that shit.
Neither is Kane. Whenever gets his lard into the ring, it’s kicks for everyone. Then staring and heaving.
Segment 7: My notes say “Final Highlight Reel: Still skeesy, lots of blah-blah-blah, no ass cracks.”
See notes.
Segment 8: Jesus Christ, get in the car. It’s Jim Ross.
JR waddles out. Neither he nor Adamle know why they are at Raw. The rest of us don’t know either.
Segment 8: I’m shallow.
Mickey bounces out. Her dad is in the audience, and she hugs him. Aw. Jillian is out next. Her dad is not in the audience, but she still has a song in her heart. And some jobbing to do. Which she does. Then Mickie goes back for dad-hugs. Except Katie Lea is out, and she mangles poor Mickie right in front of her dad.
I used to be fairly meh on Katie. But then I saw her chipped nailpolish, and man, that got me. Now I like her. Yes I am that easy to please.
Segment 9: Fly my panties, be free!
Todd and Shane are in the back and THEY ARE NOT FOOLING ANYONE with their oh-gee it’s nice to meet you. THERE IS FAR TOO MUCH GRABBY HANDS AND PETTING AND COOING AND 3-2-1- TIME TO FUCK NOW SMILING GOING ON.
Segment 10: Not Todd and Shane getting it on :(
Only Cena and Crimetime. Crymetime hates Batista. They talk smack about Dave. Batista overhears and intercedes on his own behalf.
Then comes the non-trusting, and they, grown men with lots of muscles, argue over who is going to walk down the hall first.
Segment 11: Remember when wrestling made you sit through the blah blah before giving up the Main Event?
Remember when every main event wasn’t Cena and Batista? JBL and Kane are in this mess too. Kane jobs and I’ve about it had it.
Segment 12: In second place, Miss Finland…
Shane, disheveled and come drunk, gets shoved on stage to announce the new GM. Shit, for once he got taken seriously by management… Panicked, he scans the crowd.
Fine. Your new GM is MIKE ADAMLE. If you need me, too bad. I'll be fucking Todd. Also, drinking. A lot.
The internet loses its shit. I do not. Adamle would not have been my first choice, but I totally hope he plays this as Asshole Getting His Revenge Against Imagined Slights. Why else would he order Michael Cole fucked up?
ECW: M. Hardy was skinny, decently haired, and feisty. Mark Henry decides to bend a bar in The Precious’ face, the Precious takes that bent bar and threatens bodily injury to both Henry and Atlas. Go Precious.
Ricky Ortiz. Leave the Bon-Bon’s gimmick alone.
M. Hardy’s match against Colin was okay. Precious getting squash wins is nice and all. But no beatdown upon him by large villains tingled nothing.
I imagine it came about because Steph had originally picked Chandra, and Shane and Marissa were like "Look sister, we're more whitebread than Wonder. Reconsider your name choice or we'll make sure that kid's legal name is Muffy Martha Van Prepsteen."
TNA let Tomko go. HUH. Now who will Christian boss around and make cry?
Segment 1: The Unstoppable push meets the immoveable one.
Cena has his chagrined face on. This means a promo where he be insincerely self-effacing, monotone-ly mocking, and earnestly learning us lesson about… something. A value or belief that happens to coincide with his agenda. Like if a tru gangsta with Popeye arms all accidently clocks some no-getting-it-done dude who’s vying for the same belt… that’s no reason to ride the hate train.
Batista walks himself on up to the ring. Walks, ‘cause he ain’t no hate train rider. He’s got more forgiveness in his pinkie than the Pope got in his big giant hat. To prove it, he says that after he defeats Punk for the belt, Cena’s first in line for a shot at it.
That’s mighty white of you, Dave.
They argue about first contendership and who beat who never and really, it’s just both of them being unable to bring up what’s really on their minds: Dude, what they fuck are you wearing?
Mr. Worse Outfit Ever goes to…
a)John Cena. T-shirt that features the first MarySue pairing mash up. Cenation. OMG Him+America=Tru Love.
b)Batista and the basketball jersey that was too tight and unfortunately striped so as to give him a circa 1955 pointy cone-boob rack. To complete the ensemble, Batista sports diamond earrings the size of ping-pong balls and hiking boots.
Shane rushes out because Jesus, they’re threatening a “match”. He makes up a teensy-tiny whitebread lie. There’s a new GM, and
Segment 2: Cutest Couple dance-off.
Santino Marella & Beth Phoenix vs. Kelly Kelly and D’Lo Brown. Dlo’s head reminds me of the Nefertiti bust. Kelly Kelly should be teamed with Mr. Kennedy… Kennedy. Kelly… Kelly.
Heh. Kennedy. There’s someone with a fallen star.
Anyway the only point of this match was so Santino and Beth could mack. I approve. I hope matching headbands are in their future.
Segment 3: Backstage with Shane.
The image of Vince looms over all. Shane stands before it, pondering. Will anyone remember what I said about a new GM? And if they do, should I cake on it like WWE does with so many of its storylines. Cake….
Segment 4: Well, it's just like - they're people I work with, and our job is being popular and shit.
Another match, this one featuring Jim Duggen is threatened. Shane fakes a note with the help of Christian Slater. The new GM doesn’t want Duggan in the match for a myriad of reasons.
Michael Cole will fight instead. A precious in peril! I <3 u newGMguy or girl. Not only is Cole a precious in peril, but he is a precious in peril against snotty frat boys and he goes downing swinging. Swinging like a drunk chick on the Real World, but swinging nonetheless.
Where is the date-rapey skeeser sexfic featuring Ted JR. WHERE
Segment 5: Next gen Kane.
Adamle takes Cole’s spot at the desk. Remember this. There will be test later.
Jamie Noble, the Diva maker. Srsly. They always pair him with a bland, random diva and his charming love gets the chick over. Then she gets his storyline. Then Jamie has to make lemonade out of another lemon-y story.
More Segment 5 with actual match: Jamie jobs to Kofi.
Segment 6: Tankinis are flattering for any body type.
Regal has returned. Perhaps he lost a bet, perhaps he is being punished, perhaps he is embracing his inner 60-year-old woman. He is wearing a bathing suit from the Jacqueline Smith for Kmart collections.
Also he beats the snot out of Punk. Bloody nose and brutal slugs. I like to watch them fight! Punk wins, and JBL who was all up in the commentary desk, charges the ring. Punk, bloody and manly, ain’t having that shit.
Neither is Kane. Whenever gets his lard into the ring, it’s kicks for everyone. Then staring and heaving.
Segment 7: My notes say “Final Highlight Reel: Still skeesy, lots of blah-blah-blah, no ass cracks.”
See notes.
Segment 8: Jesus Christ, get in the car. It’s Jim Ross.
JR waddles out. Neither he nor Adamle know why they are at Raw. The rest of us don’t know either.
Segment 8: I’m shallow.
Mickey bounces out. Her dad is in the audience, and she hugs him. Aw. Jillian is out next. Her dad is not in the audience, but she still has a song in her heart. And some jobbing to do. Which she does. Then Mickie goes back for dad-hugs. Except Katie Lea is out, and she mangles poor Mickie right in front of her dad.
I used to be fairly meh on Katie. But then I saw her chipped nailpolish, and man, that got me. Now I like her. Yes I am that easy to please.
Segment 9: Fly my panties, be free!
Todd and Shane are in the back and THEY ARE NOT FOOLING ANYONE with their oh-gee it’s nice to meet you. THERE IS FAR TOO MUCH GRABBY HANDS AND PETTING AND COOING AND 3-2-1- TIME TO FUCK NOW SMILING GOING ON.
Segment 10: Not Todd and Shane getting it on :(
Only Cena and Crimetime. Crymetime hates Batista. They talk smack about Dave. Batista overhears and intercedes on his own behalf.
Then comes the non-trusting, and they, grown men with lots of muscles, argue over who is going to walk down the hall first.
Segment 11: Remember when wrestling made you sit through the blah blah before giving up the Main Event?
Remember when every main event wasn’t Cena and Batista? JBL and Kane are in this mess too. Kane jobs and I’ve about it had it.
Segment 12: In second place, Miss Finland…
Shane, disheveled and come drunk, gets shoved on stage to announce the new GM. Shit, for once he got taken seriously by management… Panicked, he scans the crowd.
Fine. Your new GM is MIKE ADAMLE. If you need me, too bad. I'll be fucking Todd. Also, drinking. A lot.
The internet loses its shit. I do not. Adamle would not have been my first choice, but I totally hope he plays this as Asshole Getting His Revenge Against Imagined Slights. Why else would he order Michael Cole fucked up?
ECW: M. Hardy was skinny, decently haired, and feisty. Mark Henry decides to bend a bar in The Precious’ face, the Precious takes that bent bar and threatens bodily injury to both Henry and Atlas. Go Precious.
Ricky Ortiz. Leave the Bon-Bon’s gimmick alone.
M. Hardy’s match against Colin was okay. Precious getting squash wins is nice and all. But no beatdown upon him by large villains tingled nothing.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-08-01 03:50 am (UTC)omg that was so ridiculous I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
no subject
Date: 2008-08-01 04:55 am (UTC)