Raw Recap

[opera142]

Steph and Shane have about had it, you know with mayhem and martial law and Punk being champ. Shit better fly right tonight, or we'll tell mom.

Raw proper starts with Jericho and HBK catfighting. Tight jeans and ass cracks, there ought to be a country music song about 'em. Jericho's shirt splits, and it's nip-slip city. Now pull each other's hair. Do it.

Kane trudges out, carrying a sack. He ignores the ring and heads straight for Cole and Lawler. "I'm sorry!" He blurts out, clutching his sack like a security blanket. He wanders sadly away.

Maybe bondaging some pretty cruisers will make him feel better. Remember those days when you could always count on good ol' Kane to kidnap and fireplay on Rob, or kidnap and electro-torture Shane-o. Good times, good times.

More catfighting. Jericho's boobie is everywhere. He accidently kicks Cade. No hair pulling this segment. HBK has plugs to worry about.

Mickie vs. Katie. Mickie wins but Katie and Paul aren't gracious amigos losers. They pounce and pound and pummel. Kofi's in for the rescue. Some boyfriend Cena makes, right. Circle jerkin' with Cryme Tyme instead of helpin' out his girl.

Kofi and Paul have an impromtu match. It would have rocked had Paul still had his pirate "the rated ARRRRRR" superstar gimmick. Kofi wins; he and Mickey do Kofi's clap/salute thingie to celebrate.

Backstage, Kane questions Santino on Punk's whereabouts.

Santino: Have you checked the Pepsi Machine?

Brill. That, and the porno 'stashe.

The announcers, meanwhile, wonder aloud about Kane's sack. I giggle everytime.

Also backstage is Todd (:D) and Cena (-__-)

Cena uses many overwrought metaphors to describe the carnage that is a parking lot brawl. To steal a summary from a pundit board: What a long, retarded pile of crap.

Santino challenges all-comers, and the first to come is Beth Phoenix. She's looking extra cute and smiley and she kicks Santino's ass.

KellyKelly's out for her match, but Cody and Teddie strut out in their AE casually wrinkled finest (Mean Street Posse 2.008K). Kelly gets told to hit the bricks, which she does because she doesn't really want to be a wrestler anyway.

Just once, I'd like to see this kind of segment backfire on the interupting heels. WrestlerII stomps out, and is all "Oh hell no, you ain't taking my airtime!" But alas, my dreams go unfulfilled.

Worse than unfulfilled. Because now they are haunted by a righteous, crotchety Hacksaw who waddles to the ring wearing far too tiny jogging shorts. There is not enough fast forward in all of TiVo.

Then JBL shows up to invite Cody and Teddie to tag with him because he likes young boys.

Punk vs. Kane. V. tasty Punk gets slap around by everyone match. A pervy good time is had by me and Kane, and then by Me and Batista.


Jericho wrestles London. London so pretty, and wearing delicate little blue shoes. Jericho so pretty and butch and oily. Match ends with a badass Walls of Jericho and many upskirt shots of London. Tragically, he marches in the manpanty parade.

Then Jericho goes dick/crazy and Paul crawls around the ring. Where is a riding crop when one would be so damn wonderful? WHERE

Backstage, while trying to impress Layla, Noble gets in a (losing) fight with Snitsky. This is notable only for the line "Pain Train to Noblesville"


MainEvent: Idk, my bff Rose?

Some stuff happened which made JBL run away and Cena give chase and they ended up in the parking lot and Cena fainted or something, then JBL run him over with a car and then JBL looked like he felt bad about it.

Comments

[wishtheworst.livejournal.com]

JBL looked like he felt bad about it.

As he damn well should've. Either crush Cena to death or don't tease me. No more of this pussyfootin' around.

[topknot.livejournal.com]

Remember those days when you could always count on good ol' Kane to kidnap and fireplay on Rob, or kidnap and electro-torture Shane-o. Good times, good times.

Dear GOD do I ever miss those days.

*whimper*

[alilypea.livejournal.com]

Dear lord I do wish that there had been a riding crop around.

I might fic about that prospect thankyouverymuch.

[yesdrizella.livejournal.com]

Your talk of man panties reminded me to tell you - there is actually such a product. They're called - wait for it - manties.

http://www.manties.net/

Sexy.

[opera142.livejournal.com]

Baggy butt drawers. With bows!

[yesdrizella.livejournal.com]

hahahaha

It's too bad you don't see any guys modeling those things. Though, come to think about it, I'm not sure I want to see that.

[opera142.livejournal.com]

It'd be middle-aged dudes, with bloated guts, hairy manboobs, and male pattern baldness... being ohh and ah'd by beautiful twenty-something girls.

[self-defected.livejournal.com]

Well, of course he felt bad. Chain Gang Soldja is damn hard to get out of a limo's grill.

[opera142.livejournal.com]

Cuz you know Cena got all up in his grill.