The Raw that was

[opera142]

Upon transmitting into my quaint abode, the cameras of Raw focus upon the ring, wherein Cena, a grown man, calls Big Show “poopy pants”. But before Cena can job to TiVo, Orton, Edge and their merry band of pranksters storm through the crowd. And, boy do they have INDIGNATION stuck firmly in their collective craw.

Edge’s outfit totally doesn’t match; Randy is sans pants; Helms has on a sleeveless leather jacket—it’s a mullet you can wear! I couldn’t tell what Knox had on it, but I’m betting it went well with his full beard; Nitro skirts controversy by wearing fur; so whatever valid (ha!) points they may have are drowned out by the radio-jabber of the fashion police.

Acting on behalf of the fashion police are Ric Flair and his Ensure-swiggin' cronies. No bad fashion or kids on the lawn during their watches.

Except that the Spirit Squad appears, and they will play on any damn lawn they choose to.

As along as that lawn grows below a glass ceiling, for HBK, HHH, The Hardyz – OMG SURPRISE PRECIOUS. YES- and an H-less CM Punk have entered from stage left. Team Mostly H’s are dressed dashingly in black T-shirts.

HHH: *allegedly schooling the heels via clever promo-ing, aka blah, blah, blah*
Precious: *bounce, bounce, bounce*
Moe: Your boy needs to take some chill lessons from Punk, maybe act like this ain’t his first time at the rodeo.
Opera: First time with the car keys!
Moe: *makes clunk!-like noise* Was that a turnip wagon?
Jericho: I’ve come to woo you with boiled turnips.
HHH: The Spirit Squad are an easy, slutty bunch of pretty lads... some might call them twinks. Also Big Show is backstage with a case of Twinkies. Dx.. well, we just have two words for you...
Edge: I'm sick and tired of your two damn words.
Opera: Quit being funny. I hate you.
Big Show: I came here to do two things: eat Twinkies and kick some ass. And, I’m all out of Twinkies.

Which booker's wife did Big Show hit on? His team (Team Ton of Fun) is Umaga, MVP, Test and Finlay. I hope he and Finlay have been eating their Wheaties; that's a lot of dead weight to carry.

The faces itch for a fight, HBK is so keyed up, he's willing to start the Royal Rumble right here and now. Forget the other 3 PPVs between now and the RR! But McMahon shows up to protect his PPV revenue, and promises that the evening will end very interestingly. NOONE WANTZ 2 C YR ASS, OMG.

Sabu jobs to Umaga. The U should have mimicked Sabu's finger-pointing-thing and did that before administrating the Thumb Jab to Workrate.

For a while, there is Jerry Lawler Vs. Chris Masters drama. Then there is Torrie Wilson Vs. Chris Masters drama. I will admit, I did not Tivo this because TORRIE LOOKED SMOKING HOT. Teeny, barely-there scrap of dress with a thread of thong underneath, silver boots.

And then to reward me for my lacking of TiVo ff-ing, the Bon-Bon rushed out to save to Torrie. Oh my darling, noble, bedheaded tramp. He was wearing flimsy, clingy, yoga pants. I die! First, he ran off Masters,-- and I was totally hoping he'd play up the hero aspect by announcing himself as "Bon... Tropical Bon-Bon." until I remember that only I call him that. Announcing of any sort was not to be though, for Master regained the heelish upper hand. I think. To be honest, I don't really remember how the segment ended. I was too dazzled by Carlito's lithe, yoga pant-wearin' yumminess.

Ladder Match between Young Master Hardy and Little Lord Nitro. No Precious run-in, lots of spine-mangling spots. Swanton onto a ladder, leapfrog the ladder, legdrop. Fun twists on standard spots. Hardy retains, Nitro punches a bunch of holes in his bump card.

Dusty Vs Nicky in a I-feel-like-chicken-tonight match. If ya wanna know what happened, ask my TiVo.

Lita Vs Mickie in a Shouldn't-this-bondage-stuff-be-between-the-Bon-Bon-and-Kane? match. Mickie was blindfolded this time. I was hoping for Japanese rope bondage. Lita won then went on a tear about how she revolutionized women's wrestling (helped, maybe), is better than Trish Stratus (no, not all), but only gets shit from "you people" (has a point there). She's retiring after Survivor Series. I guess she doesn't plan on being a survivor. Please take Edge with you.

Main Event: DX + Cena + Flair =/= Big Show + Rated RKO + Kenny.

Pre-match, the faces beat up the heels. WHY IS IT 4 FACES BEATING ON A SINGLE HEEL? Oh the drama inherent in Faces Easily and Soundly Winning. After a commercial break (two, actually) the match starts and stuff happens and all the other team members rush out, and the Precious is punch-crazy, and the feed flees in terror before Vince can powerwalk to the ring and wag his ass.

Comments

[wishtheworst.livejournal.com]

Big Show: I came here to do two things: eat Twinkies and kick some ass. And, I’m all out of Twinkies.

This is my new away message for always.

[wolfshift.livejournal.com]

*cracks the fuck up!*

[bluerosefairy.livejournal.com]

Oh my Lord. I think I've fallen madly in love with you. I spent a good ten minutes reading and rereading this post and laughing my butt off.

Team Mostly H’s are dressed dashingly in black T-shirts.

Poor CM Punk. He has not an H to his name. :(

Precious: *bounce, bounce, bounce*
Moe: Your boy needs to take some chill lessons from Punk, maybe act like this ain’t his first time at the rodeo.
Opera: First time with the car keys!

Seriously. Matt was bouncier than Shawn. That shouldn't be humanly possible. Unless your name is Shane McMahon. Good sweet Mike, does that guy ever need to be introduced to the wonders of decaf.

NOONE WANTZ 2 C YR ASS, OMG.

NO ONE! Ugh, someone please tell Vince that we've all been scarred for life due to that angle.

Oh my darling, noble, bedheaded tramp. He was wearing flimsy, clingy, yoga pants. I die!

Carlito + yoga pants = OTPYESPLEASE.

In conclusion, Opera FTW.