Writing, what else

So, I tend to avoid the gym in January (Zomg!noobs inz my way). By Feb, they're gone and I can go about my merry cardio business. But for now, I AM ANSTY ANTSY! I cannot settle down to anything. I feel like I drank 9 bottles of Coke.

This is not helping me write. I've been hopping between 4 projects all morning, and despite tinkering with them all, I haven't accomplished anything. *spazz* And the thing is, when I get like this is when I get the most down myself. I get wrapped up in "accomplishing", and forget to let the process be satisfying. I get all doom-n-gloom because I'm producing crap, but really it's not the production of crap, but my unwillingness to sit still and re-write the stuff into something slick.

This afternoon a walk is in order.

Little Miss Chattykins

-- The Giants lost. Meep. Eli is fast becoming the first non-wrestling Precious. Zomg, always in the shadow of his brother. Anyone see a theme?

--Speaking of Giants quarterbacks, I love the big fat one they have. Moe and I call him Trevor Whoever, though that has nothing to do with his real name. Eli! Trot your skinny ass to the sidelines, this is a job for Trevor Whoever!

--Speaking of loving Giants quarterbacks, don't go the lj comm footballslash, expecting to find Eli/Trevor. It's about soccer. Googling football slash will only bring you more soccer. Googling NFL slash will get you lots of blurbs with NFL and the word "slash", however the slash mentioned won't be the good kind.

--Not speaking of Giants quarterbacks, but still on the subject of things I love. Helms' new haircut. Mrowlies. So far, this is his best non-green 'do.

--Yesterday, I saw some dude at the sex shop get caught shoplifting lube.

--I have a thousand-million meta-y thoughts banging around in my head. Some inspired by back issues of The Writer, some inspired by my reactions to football this season, some inspired by wank, some inspired by me thinking over my writing strengths and weaknesses.

--Merc mentioned I sometimes get self-abusive when discussing my weaknesses, and that kind of stopped me cold. So I've been making an effort to speak of my writing and my struggles with writing in positive terms. Very hard to do. And the fact that I turned it into a habit isn't making it easier to overcome.

Because I bark so much about quality, I feel like my writing has to supercede what lines in the quality sand I drew. I have to hold myself accountable to the same standards. And there's always that fear that I'm not managing that. That I'm just as blind to my clunky sentences and illogical characterizations as other people are to theirs.

And sometimes, I ache for that blindness. I'd love to be WHEE! I AM TEH_AWESOME AND STUFF. Except, it seems like whenever I start believing that, SMACK! reality hits hard. I was re-reading Amends the other day, and was feeling really good about it. Lines like I am a god among useless fucks, descriptions like Venis being unable to "deadlift an empty shoebox" and Rhyno's "Picasso-like" muscles... I was patting myself on the back over and over. Until I had to fix stuff. Often simple things. With one sentence it was a matter of flipping the order of two words. The sentence flowed better; it fit with its paragraph better; it made a sturdier image. So simple, and I missed it through how many drafts and proof-readings.

So anyways, the point of all that was I fret about letting go of all that fear and dissatisfaction. After all, fear and dissatisfaction are the reason that the best I could do a year and a half ago isn't as good as what I can craft now. I'm proud of improving. I struggle with improving, even with the really basic stuff like grammar and word usage. Just today, I found out the difference between convince and persuade, and I'm positive I have a dozen mis-uses of convince in my portfolio. It's a constant struggle, and I feel like if I let up on myself that I'll end up banked on some mediocre stream instead of crossing Great Literary Channels.

-- FBI pants!

-- When I went for my walk, the sidewalks were in decent shape so I got some running in too until it started to snow and get slippery.

--At the grocery store, I saw Special K Protein Water. 4 tiny bottles for 6 bucks! Water, whey and artifical sweeters and a ton of junk ingredients. Grr. Drink a glass of skim milk instead.

--Edit. Thanks to yesdrizella, Christian has just tossed out his jar of organic apricot perserves. The apple butter went too. Dry toast for breakfast from now on because of you.

--Edit II. SuperCrazy tag teaming with Hacksaw Duggan. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. NO.