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Sep. 18th, 2006 05:43 pm6 things I learned today while reading fanfic
6. Consensual sex between adults will only lead to MORAL BANKRUPTCY. Even if one or more of the adults is stupidly motivated.
5. There are only two personalities in the slash universe. All-knowing top andseemingly retarded naive bottom. This follows the heterosexual pattern in that only stupid, pretty females attract mates. Same for a slash bottom. Oh, his stupidity will be prettied up and called "naive", but it's still stupidity.
4. Arousal is not to be enjoyed. It must be dealt with swiftly. Joylessly. Moaning and groaning and other theatrics (as long as they aren't believable or truly felt) are acceptable during sex (mainly because you aren't aroused anymore; you are hard at work having the most perfect sex ever) A good rule of thumb: if you haven't seen or heard a particular reaction pantomimed on TV or Hollywood-created movies, then don't say or feel it-- this lets everyone know you aren't some horrible slut who thinks about sex sometimes and isn't in total panic on those very rare occasions when arousal slithers in.
3. The only way to sate arousal is with penetration. Handjobs, blow jobs, etc.jobs are unacceptable. They imply sex can be playful, carefree, spontaneous, casual. So untrue! Sex must change your life after every single episode, and if it does not result in everlasting love then prepare for a soul riddled with much-deserved guilt and shame.
2. If you are a bottom and you experience arousal, do what ever it takes to rid yourself of that awful sensation. Do NOT, repeat do NOT, simply enjoy it. No long evenings spent before a fireplace, glass of merlot in hand, anticipating kissing the source of arousal. No flirting. No banter. No goofing around. No exploratory touches. No subtle touches. No wondering how his scruff feels or if he has a treasure trail. For Gawd's holy sake, NO SLOW BURNING. Arousal is your body betraying you. It makes bits hard and crevices wet. Remember, it is the first leg of the Journey into Shame. It should be rushed through, much like a bad case of diarrhea. Engage in shameful, soul-ruining sex with the first candidate available (FCA). Even if you know everlasting love will not be the outcome, even if First Candidate Available has screwed you over in the past, even if it's against your better judgment, stated morals or canonical characterization.
1. If you are a top, breathe easy, man! You never have problems or insecurities. And you have learned everything there is to know about sex. No need to explore further. Don't bother searching out a sexual equal. Retreading basic sexual techniques with a clueless bottom will provide all the satisfaction possible.
6. Consensual sex between adults will only lead to MORAL BANKRUPTCY. Even if one or more of the adults is stupidly motivated.
5. There are only two personalities in the slash universe. All-knowing top and
4. Arousal is not to be enjoyed. It must be dealt with swiftly. Joylessly. Moaning and groaning and other theatrics (as long as they aren't believable or truly felt) are acceptable during sex (mainly because you aren't aroused anymore; you are hard at work having the most perfect sex ever) A good rule of thumb: if you haven't seen or heard a particular reaction pantomimed on TV or Hollywood-created movies, then don't say or feel it-- this lets everyone know you aren't some horrible slut who thinks about sex sometimes and isn't in total panic on those very rare occasions when arousal slithers in.
3. The only way to sate arousal is with penetration. Handjobs, blow jobs, etc.jobs are unacceptable. They imply sex can be playful, carefree, spontaneous, casual. So untrue! Sex must change your life after every single episode, and if it does not result in everlasting love then prepare for a soul riddled with much-deserved guilt and shame.
2. If you are a bottom and you experience arousal, do what ever it takes to rid yourself of that awful sensation. Do NOT, repeat do NOT, simply enjoy it. No long evenings spent before a fireplace, glass of merlot in hand, anticipating kissing the source of arousal. No flirting. No banter. No goofing around. No exploratory touches. No subtle touches. No wondering how his scruff feels or if he has a treasure trail. For Gawd's holy sake, NO SLOW BURNING. Arousal is your body betraying you. It makes bits hard and crevices wet. Remember, it is the first leg of the Journey into Shame. It should be rushed through, much like a bad case of diarrhea. Engage in shameful, soul-ruining sex with the first candidate available (FCA). Even if you know everlasting love will not be the outcome, even if First Candidate Available has screwed you over in the past, even if it's against your better judgment, stated morals or canonical characterization.
1. If you are a top, breathe easy, man! You never have problems or insecurities. And you have learned everything there is to know about sex. No need to explore further. Don't bother searching out a sexual equal. Retreading basic sexual techniques with a clueless bottom will provide all the satisfaction possible.
