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opera142Vince impersonated Alfred Hitchcock.
No, I'm not making that up. No, I'm not typing in metaphors. Opening shot was of Vince's profile, and after a moment, he turned the camera and intoned "Good Evening". And either I was in a ginormous black mood or my hatred of WWE's writing is pure and dripping onto the floor because that's the kind of batshittery that usually enter-dang-tains me. Yet, all I did was scowl.
Maybe he should have added a British accent. Would have made his droning more tolerable, anyway. Key points of the drone:
--HHH is the King of Kings
Fans: Benoit is God.
HBK: I beg to differ as well. Let me tell you about my lord and savior...
--Shawn Michaels is still traveling upon the Highway to Hell.
HBKidlet: Are we there yet?
--Wrestlemania approaches. Order it now or you will be shut out.
Opera: Huh? Oh! Yes, threaten the fans! Zomg! If U dun hury, we cant let U pay us 40 dolars 2 watch our shitty no-wrestling, Benoit-has-to-try-and-get-a-match-out-of-fricking-JBL, debaclemania.
Break for Raw theme music, then Foley lumbered out to the ring. He apologized for shoving his fingers down Lita's throat. Dude, don't worry. If she'd known it was gonna play out like that, she would have binged on some cake first. It ain't easy staying a 4 in a supersized world. Fingers down the gullet ain't no big deal.
Edge sauntered to the top of the ramp, and rambled on and on and on about an ATM simile. The point spent 36 hours in labor. To retort, Foley played the ripped-off ear card. Twice. Eat that visual, Smackdown's costume department. Jillian's mole wasn't so great after all, now was is.
Somewhere during all the talk about ears and ATMs, gifts were exchanged. Edge got a baseball bat, and was most pissed. He wanted a PSP with Tony Hawk's American Wasteland. He tried to cheap shot Foley, but oh no, Foley had himself a barbed wire baseball bat. They swordfought. Then Edge and Lita ran away. Foley chewed on the barbed wire bat until he bled from the mouth.
Commercial Break I: Lucky Number Slevin tries ways to hard. Unless Lucy Lu turns out to be the head of a Triad, I'm not interested.
Commercial Break II: On the next Nashville Star, John Cena will be a guest judge.
Lance Storm and Christian: We hate Am-- a guest what?
Finally, a match! Kane Vs. Carlito II. Electric Bugaloo
When a flurry of kicks failed to topple Kane, Carlito went for Plan B: dry-humping Kane's back. Plan C was a botched DDT. Plan D involved hitting Kane with the Ref. Which the Ref took exception to and called for the bell. For some reason, a cheap, low-impact win enraged Kane. Carlito fled. Kane pursued. Carlito found himself trapped in a
Psych! Twas indeed a trap. But for Kane. Trevor Murdoch and Lance Cade and The Mastercrock had been lying in wait. Oh, a great beating befell the mighty Kane. And then, a tragic locking into a room. Then a barring of said room's door with a forklift.
Sir Bigley Showfrommeshire rode to his squire's rescue, but alas, arrived to late. Though he beat off the gang of villains-- sending the Devil's Spawn Bon-Bon crashing into the camera man (and thus upsetting the view from which the scene was recorded for posterity)-- he was too late to stop the forklift from roaring into a rest stop upon the Highway to Hell. The door to Kane's cell was blocked. Woe. The keys of the forklift were missing. Woe. Will his brave and true plan of "putting it in neutral and pushing it away" work? Only those who return after the commercial break shall know.
Yes! Glory on high! Though, as Sir Showfrommeshire rent asunder the forklift from the doorway, Kane approached from the rear. He asked of Showfrommeshire "Need any help with that?"
Oh the confoundedness of Sir Showfrommeshire! Many were the doubletakes! And the great question of "How did you get out here?" seemed to ring from the very heavens.
"There was another door." Came the simple answer. Truly, fortune was on the side of the noble faces. And thus escaped (for Kane) and done pushing a forklift (Sir Show), they charged onwards, to the ring. For revenge and rebuttal.
Here, as another commercial readied itself, a compliant could be made concerning logic. Carlito and Master should have fled, rather than hung out of the ring, watching the goings-on. Kane would get out sooner or later, and then there would be angry largeness looking to hit all things tropical and/or bon-bonish. But then, the realization dawn that if Carlito ran again, there would not be another segment featuring him. The want for pretty defeated the need for logic; I was appeased.
Sensing my appeasedness, WWE went for the screw. Carlito did run away, within seconds of seeing Kane and Show. Kane sorta, kinda chased, until he noticed stairs were involved, and then he was pretty much, fuck it, I'm too high on the card for stair-running.
From there, the segment dwindled to a Mastercrock challenge. Crock couldn't get Show into a Full Nelson. Oh no, will I ever know excitement again? Only saving grace was Show. Irritated at the Puny Human is his best emotion.
Video Package: Why Cena Deserves To Be Champ.
I meant to walk away, but I like watching boys lif heavy things. Mmmm. Muscles.
Hall of Fame Announcement: Tony Atlas.
Wasn't he the dude in the documentary (along with Cena/Prototype and Jesus Aguilerra, and Looney Lane) about the indy wrestling scene? Interesting to think about where they all landed.
HBK Vs. HHH in a will this be the first match of the night that doesn't end in a DQ?
Okay match. Who knows. Nothing before it to hold it against. Trips took some wicked splats. HBK took a beating, as he damn well should have, what with being the poor, pestered face.
No clean finish here either. Vince ran in and stopped the music just as HBK was tuning up the band.
Backstage, Vince celebrated another cocked-up finish with his two sons-in-law. Todd demanded to know what they've been injecting Shane with. Vince and HHH instead made an announcement. Omg, they are in love. And omg, they're having a baby. They were gonna go the assbaby route, but Trips didn't want to have to take 9 months off from the ring. So, Steph agreed to surrogate it. She's 50% Vince genes, and Vince's babyspray is 100% his own genes. That means the baby will be 75% pure Vince Kennedy McMahon. Yay!
In the ring, Flair is yammering. He's a 16-time champ and he wants all those kids in the back to stay off his lawn. Shelton, wearing the sexy pair of white drawstring pants ever, soon made the scene and called Flair "pops". Rob then scampered to ring and tried to sneak in some wrestling. He hit Rolling Thunder too close to the ropes, legs ricocheted, and he landed on his shoulder. Ow. Then Flair hit him in his stitched-up eyebrow.
That will teach him to wrestle during a WWE broadcast.
Next, the Spirit Squad wrestled Val Venis, Viscera, and Eugene. That will teach me to ask for wrestling during a WWE broadcast.
Video Package: Triple H can lift heavy things too. Only he does it in Brazil
Trish/Torrie Vs. Victoria/Candice.
Candice is sorta doughy. I'm surprised Playboy wanted her. Trish, on the other hand, rules. Both physically and innerly. And they had the best match of the night. Who cares if it was by default. Girls rule.
ME: Vince Vs. Cena.
Vince is in Levi's, and there's nothing funnier than an old guy who thinks he's still hot. Dude, they fuck you because you have money. Even Triple H. Who was in Vince's corner for the match. Much like HBK's was in Cena's.
Chaps and Bling Vs. Mutton Chops and Complete Cut-Off From Reality.
Before the match began, Vince added a twist. Both HHH and HBK were handcuffed to the ring. Vince wanted his win over Cena to be "free from excuses". A be-chapped HBK chained down while other sweaty, oiled men grappled. Nope. No homoerotica there.
Endgame came as Vince and HHH demonstrated why having a second handcuff key is just good kink sense. HHH was free while HBK was still scrambling around, searching behind the nightstand. HHH claimed his favorite toy "The Sledgehammer", and despite Shawn screaming safe words, took the scene into bloodplay.
Bloody and bruised Shawn and John cuddled together as the show closed.
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Date: 2006-03-28 11:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-29 02:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-29 07:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-29 11:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-29 02:17 am (UTC)You crack me up.
My husband is getting perturbed that I keep trying to catch this show.
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Date: 2006-03-29 11:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-30 12:45 am (UTC)Someday we'll have to go to a WWE show together. We can lie to my husband and say we're going to a Tupperware party.
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Date: 2006-03-29 03:49 am (UTC)WHY?
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Date: 2006-03-29 11:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-29 06:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-29 11:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-29 12:43 pm (UTC)>>. Trevor Murdoch and Lance Cade and The Mastercrock had been lying in wait.<< So does that mean Cade and Murdoch are still a tag team or what? I'm confused by their inability to keep a tag team together for more than 3 weeks. I must also say that the Kane + Show bit sounds like the fun kind of crack, but that might just be your review that makes it so.