![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
opera142Shane O'Mac kicked Shawn Michael's ass on Saturday night. That can mean only one thing for Raw: jazz band. And balloons! And confetti! And fireworks! And, I'm hoping a stern letter from the Memphis Fire Department.
Falling confetti + shooting fireworks = Tomorrow's Headline: Thousands Die in Fire at Wrestling Event
All fire safety concerns were forgotten as Shane took the mic. Again, he had not one but TWO shirt buttons undone. And his lack of undershirt exposed why he's usually buried under layers of them. Hairy. Chest. Ron Jeremy hairy. Dark, thick, possibly split-ended. Oh, O'mac. Why?
To make it all worse, confetti kept getting wedged in his cleavage. Pretending they were love notes from Todd did not help. Pretending they were role-playing suggestions from Rob did not help. Pretending they were my dollar bills, tucked in during a vodka-drenched and very belated bachlorette party did not help. Nothing took away the images of hairy!Shane with candy bar wrappers stuck to him.
Nothing. Not even his opening line: I made Shawn Michaels submit. Topping isn't about abuse of power, Shane. Go shave yourself in penance.
Vince and Shane traded compliments. Vince said Shane was his greatest creation. Joey Styles mst3k'ed the entire conversation.
Vince: I did not screw Shawn.
Joey: The Hell you didn't.
More blather and SNARK. Now that it's almost spring, Joey's looking to get fired. He can coast on unemployment benefits through summer, then flop on friends' couches until the holidays. At Christmas time, it's easy to get a retail job.
Either the blather or snark offended Cena because he powerwalked on out to the ring, looking to make himself heard.
Vince: You kicked a couple of my balloons on your way out. I don't like that.
Cena ain't got time to bleed for balloons, he's got some Triple H ass to kick. Vince said the fuck if he's giving away Wrestlemania's main event two weeks early and for free. He makes a tag match instead. Shane/HHH vs. Cena/HBK.
Shane was pissed. He ain't carrying Cena through no damn tv match. Cena was pissed too, though I have no idea why. Dude, it's likely to be your last victorious match with the title. The only happy was Vince, who pirouetted and leapt his way back up the ramp.
Post-commercial, Shane and Vince and HHH were backstage, gossiping. Trips hopped on the pissed the bandwagon, and kvetched about the tag match. But once Vince mentioned screwing HBK, Trips was down. He likes screwing. A lot.
First match Carlito Vs. Sweet Daddy Sugar Kane. During Kane's overlong ring entrance, Carlito entertained himself by hitting on the Pretty Lillian.
Carlito played by the RvD rulebook: Run around like a crazy, and make the glump look vicious. Moonsault! Leapfrogging over the ropes! In the aftermath of one collision, Carlito imitated Kane's zombie sit-up. Cracked up laughing as he did it. There was also cock o'plenty in his trunks.
Matched ended when Carlito leapfrogged the ropes one too many times and wound up in a Kane Chokeslam.
Backstage, Masters went buck on the bon-bon for losing. Carlito was having none of that shit and informed Masters that he could cram it with walnuts. Masters increased the buck. Carlito replied in kind.
Sometimes they fight just so they can make-up.
Get your Brokeback jokes ready, the newest inductees into the Hall of Fame are the Black Jacks: Google an image of those two. Wow. John Preston's favorite wrestlers, fer sure.
3-way between Flair, Rob and Shelton.
Rob put a little too much ass into a somersault senton. Shelton survived, but Rob and Flair conked heads. Blood. Blood. Blood. Ending came as Ric trapped Rob in the FigureFour and Shelton draped himself over their entwined bodies for the 3 count. Very TiVoable.
Foley had the mic. He told us blood is like Chinese Food. An hour later, you want more. Omg!~1 vamp!fic.
Lita came out to refute the simile. And man, she looked rough. Individual parts were good, but as a whole she looked like a creepy collage of better looking people. She had to eat Mandible Claw because Edge was too much of pussy to save her.
Then Torrie came out to wrestle. First WWE blew their Rob and Carlito wads way too early. Then expected me to sit quietly while Torrie wrestled. Grr.
For some reason, Candice appeared. On a bed carried by indy litter bearers dressed as Chippendales. Then she and Torrie had a pillow fight.
Chris Masters annoyed me next. I would like him much more if during his ring entrance, he ate a sandwich. And during his match, he wrestled well. And in backstage segments, he spanked Carlito. Masters defeated Show via repeated swings of a folding chair. I'M SO TIRED OF CHAIRS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank goodness Mickie had the good sense to show up in pigtails. Between the piggies and her round ass, I was felt renewed. Also, she had Ashley tied up in a sack. Along with breaking her leg, Ashely must have broke her ability to use hair conditioner. Wow, lady. Bad hair.
Micke went all crazy bitch, and she and Trishhad themselves a slugfest. Until Mickie got a bloody nose. Then it was time to make-out. Or at least, that's what Mickie thought.
ME: The Indy security guards, horny from their stint as litter bearers, dogpiled on Shawn. Shane fled, lest he too get humped upon by the great unwashed. Vince sent Cena packing, telling him that if he doesn't go, his WM match is forfeited. So HBK got play Face In Peril Except This Time There Was No One To Eventually Tag In.
There was beating upon Shawn. And beating upon Shawn. And beating upon Shawn. And beating upon Shawn. And beating upon Shawn. And beating upon Shawn. And still more beating upon Shawn. The crowd was so quiet you could hear the lady in seat 87J filing her nails.
No. One. Cared.
Not at all.
Not in the least.
Cena returned.
No. One. Cared.
Not at all.
Not in the least.
Not even Vince. Instead of 86ing Cena's WM match, he simply made a match for next week. Cena Vs. Vince.
Bitch please.
To close, Vince juked and/or jived on ramp while in the ring, Shawn took Cena's face in his hand and gently brought their lips together. Camera cut before the smooch.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-03-22 12:06 am (UTC)...I just had images of couches being used, instead. -_-;;
no subject
Date: 2006-03-22 02:58 am (UTC)It's a consequence of dating Matt. Re: Lita, that other girl, Jeff.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-22 04:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-22 05:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-22 06:22 am (UTC)"Shane McMahon horribly burned when his chest hair ignites."
I kinda suspected he was hairy, from what I'd seen of his forearms.