Rasslin' as usual

[opera142]

Opener: diva battle-royale for the number one contender to the Women's title. After lots of shrieking, not enough ass-shots and some dreadful wrestling on Ashley's part, Candy won, and dark cloud of Terrible Suck descended.

Silver Lining I: Trish in a Rosie The Riveter shirt. Oh the fun, she, Chasity Bono, Lisa Marie Presley and I could have. I mean, er.. those MnM boys have pretty hair and slightly pleasant abs. I'd slant them a look anytime.

Silver Lining II: Ashley broke her leg and will be out 2-3 months. Not that I wish injury on anyone, but if that non-life threatening/ruining injury happens without any wishing on my part, then I can be damn well as pleased as I want when teh_worthless is removed from my sight.

Candice announced her Playboy shoot. But before she could bore us with any air-brushed details, crappy corp-rock blared and the singer for Puddle of Mud Edge sauntered douchenozzledly out.

Due to Ashley's injuries, Edge will take over bad hat duties. His is a knitted camo baseballishly-brimmed gem with a bright red RATED R patch. Recapping is so much easier when accurate descriptions make the snark for me.

And, my land! Lita was quite orange. Tangerine skin, bright blue eyeshadow and red hair.

Edge talked out his ass about titles. There was threats and demands and constipated heaving. Lita, next time could you spread your legs for someone interesting on the mic? Kthx. Also, how does it feel to have Candice getting a title shot while you're stuck playing HEEL TITS for Edge?

Then came Duggan. And there was moving of flab in the ring. And crotching with 2x4's and more of Edge's music. We are now in End Times.

Backstage, Show stared to the side of the camera and spoke in 2nd person about winning and Wrestlemania and maybe, some other stuff. I kept hoping the camera would pan to a paying-only-cursory-attention Kane eating Hostess Ding-Dongs.

The champ was there: India. Pointless.

Because he hadn't filled up on Ding-Dongs, Kane had to wrestle a ding-dong. As with weeks previous, Kane's pimp-powers laid the smack on Master's bitch-ass Full Nelson. Kane deserves a Full Nelson of his very own. Called the Skull Fuck. And maybe a valet named Squeaky.

Backstage, RvD was posing for school pictures doing that same stare off to the side and yammer something about winning- thing that Big Show did. I kept hoping the camera would pan to a salivating getting-ready-bondage Kane. Who or whatever was off-screen must have been bogarting the Ding-Dongs because toward the end Rob got testy.

Think Zen, Rob.

Farther backstage was Vince and the spirit squad. It looked like an after-school special about 'roids or bad touch or cheating or achieving. Clearly, Pat Patterson should have wandered by. Eating Ding-dongs.

All ding-donging aside, we learned that poor, Shawny-Chan will have to fight every squader but Mitch. 4 out of 5 Spirit Squaders agree that the match will be awesome.

In the meantime, Flair Vs. Shelton fought for the IC belt. The only thing keeping Shelton from being the sexiest damn thing ever is that his name is Shelton. Okay match. Mismatch of styles and Flair was super-off. Shelton found ways to entertain. Ending was screw-job shitty. Shelton won via hitting Flair with Mama's oxygen tank.

HBK knew my tolerance was waning so he busted out the praying while in chaps bit. While he was on his knees, he found a pom-pom. Sadly he did not shake it.

Joey Styles knew the Spirit Squad by name. Which was sweet, professional and creepy. After the show he took them for milkshakes and warned them about accepting limo rides from Bradshaw.

During the match, he simply tried to call the thing. Coach and King put a stop to that shit pretty quick. Why call the match when there's mindless drek to recap. Like Candy--she of the 43-year-old-face--appearing in Playboy. Even though she's not hot and there's tons of boobie-shots of her online already.

Of note in the match was the mini-trampoline used for ultra-powered clotheslines.

If he's not allowed to wrestle again, then Mitch needs to yell "Tap!" through his megaphone. Better yet, the Squad could have a whole routine.

1-2. Who tapped? You!
3-4. Tap some more!
5-6 You tapped so quick
7-8 Tapp-i-nate
9-10. You tapped again.

Suddenly Marty Jannetty hopped into the ring--destroying my all-naked-wrestle remake of Just Bring It-- and saving HBK.

6 weeks to Wrestlemania and WWE is scraping the bottom of the drunk tank for talent. Ooooh, I hope they sign Skaggs or Luger.

Finally! The Tropical Bon-Bon appeared. Wearing that ass-awful apple pendent. Carlito appears to hate it. Which means I can content myself with all sort of non-con themed musing that it's a humiliating collar that someone *coughVINCEcough* makes him wear. Even in public. The back reads: If lost, please call my master @ 555-5555.

Because there was still so much SUCK to get to, Carlito had to squash a jobber and cut promo simultaneously. Funny, actually. He'd proclaim a few self-promoting quasi-truths, then he'd stomp that jobber like he got his sister preggers. More self-promotion, more stomping.

Then Carlito had a tirade, en espanol. Which translates as the following: Tell Sanchito that if he knows what is good for him, he best go run and hide. Carlito's got a new .45. And Carlito won't think twice to stick that barrel straight down Sancho's throat. Believe Carlito when he says that's he's got something for your punk-ass.

Lastly, there was something yelled about Money in the Bank. Stay away, my precious tropical bon-bon. Stay away! It's dark sided! Tainted! I am the Precious-Warrior. Edge is not Christian!

Not even close.

Backstage again, and it was Triple H. Looking off-camera and grunting about wins and loses. What Was Back There? What? I pretended it was an only-paying-cursory-attention Stephanie gobbling Hostess Ding-Dongs.

ME: Trips/Rvd/Big Show in a who will job so Trips can go to Wrestlemania match.

Wanna know the secret to guessing the outcomes of Rob's matches? If his ponytail binders match his singlet; he's going to win. If they don't match; he loses. His Raw ring gear? Black, green and orange.Binder: white.

So despite lots of rawr! smash from Show and a spin-in-mid-air frog splash from Rob, Trips won with a clean pin.