SD

[opera142]

First off, Smackdown opened with Taker. So my 17 minutes of TiVo lead time was eaten by World's Slowest Entrance Saunter. Then the Great Haze of Spookiness decended. Taker recapped the past 16 years for those who may have missed it.

Shawn Mike butted in, not literally of course. Videographically, or perhaps, digitally. Upon the Titantron flashed a short film: Sometimes A Mullet: A Shawn Mike Retrospective.

Shawn Michael's career can be demarcated thusly:

1. The pudgy rookie years. (This happened in AWA, not WWE so it doesn't count)
2. Neon-panted and mulleted.
3. Better pants; still mulleted.
4. Better pants, better hair
5. Pants made from bits and pieces found in the dumpster behind the BDSM shop; who's looking at his hair
6. Vinyl chaps; ponytails to hide the skullet
7. The Unfortunate Wicker Cowboy Hat.

Taker had more to say, but honestly, my mind was still on vinyl chaps. Before he left to take that long 74-minute walk back up the ramp, he warned us all "It can be Hell getting to Heaven."


M. Hardy waddled out for his Money In The Bank qualifying match. What happened to his skinny from last week? His hair is very shiny and combed, and he wore the red, cock-enhancing pants. I guess with Matt the deal is Looks, Hair, Outfit-- pick two.

He wrestled an equally round MVP. Eef. Change the soundtrack and it could have been Brazillian fart porn. And then he had to job! I'd be more outraged except the camera man was kind enough to get a minute's worth of Sadfaced!Matt staring dejectedly at the Wrestlemania sign.

Contract signing. These go as well as in-ring weddings. Big Show showed up dressed for either. Vickie could barely hold it together. Poor thing. Edge hasn't been returning her calls. He hasn't been home all week. Edge demanded to know what's going on between Vickie and Big Show. Forget them, what's going on, IF ANYTHING WAAAAAAH, between Taker and M. Hardy. Where's that storyline?

No, seriously. Where is it? Everyone else on that damn roster has feuded 407 times. For realz, yo. Hunter and Umaga, how many times have they wrestled? Well, don't look now because they're wrestling in the mainevent. How about Marsye and Michelle. Did they ever stop?

Anyway, in the midst of Edge and Big Show's bickering about who has a neater sock drawer and a greener lawn, Cena ran in and wrecked everything. He beat up the mens, and whispered poop jokes into Vickie's ear until she cried. I cried with her.

After commercial break, Vickie cried some more backstage while Edge yelled. Then he realized how upset she was, and he gently touched her shoulder and asked her what was wrong. I am shamefully guh about this, as Blowhard Noticing Hurt and Responding With Concern, is one of my sekrit bah-nilla kinks. IT WAS SUPER AWWWW GUYS I SWEAR

Jeff's Individual Money In The Bank Qualifying Match (WWE's capitals, not mine)happened next. Cool flippy, no fatty. V. nice. Then Matt brought the fatt. He punched Jeff right in his opponent. Disqualification for Jeff for the interference. Matt stared Jeff down, and Jeff refused to take a swing.

THE WRONG DAMN HARDY HAS THE WHOLE 'HERO WHO DOES THE RIGHT THING'. GEEZ STEPH GEEZ. FIRST EDGE, NOW JEFF. I WANT MATT TO BE HOW I LIKE HIM AND EVERYONE TO BE JERKS. NO ONE ELSE CAN COMFORT SAD PEOPLE AND BE NOBLE. ONLY THE PRECIOUS. GEEZ.

Geez.

Hunter and Umaga "main e-vent-ed" for a while, then Randy and Cody and Teddy popped by to show everyone what a real mainevent looks like. Lots of body oil, teeny trunks were involved. Lots of 3 on 1 action. At least that's what JR called it when he wasn't slobbering over Randy's legs.

Post-beatdown, Cody and Teddy glowered, Randy slid around, and Hunter had come running down his chin.

Comments

[wishtheworst.livejournal.com]

I love you. That was so much better than the actual show.

[librarista.livejournal.com]

God dammit! I forgot about Smackdown. Again. No, wait! Maybe it got pushed back because of girl's basketball again this week! GIRLS BASKETBALL IS ON RIGHT NOW I MIGHT GET TO WATCH SMACKDOWN! Yes it's in the last few minutes!

Was there any Diesel in the Mullet Retrospective? Because if there wasn't I might have a hard time watching until Randy.

[opera142.livejournal.com]

Just a brief glimpse. He, too, had a mullet.

[librarista.livejournal.com]

It took him a long time to get rid of the mullet. But when you're that big you can have any hairstyle you want. Also, when you're Kevin Nash you can have any hairstyle you want. You just can't keep it natural if you want to go to WWE.

The Taker segment bothered me and I only glanced at the Shawn video once. I can't bother with Shawn Michaels when the Undertaker just admitted to stalking Randy.

[self-defected.livejournal.com]

and Hunter had come running down his chin.

And it was gross. Ugh. Everything was great until he turned over.

I love your recaps. They make me happy I wasted most of two hours.