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Jan. 3rd, 2007
More head hanging over The King
Jan. 3rd, 2007 05:42 pmHow can the prose go from semi-decent* in one line to drek in the next?
Flakes of precious gems decorated [the navel bar's] tip. Shimmery colors melted into the thin spray of sweat on his pale skin, giving the effect of a wetness like a tongue might leave. and then half a paragraph later... {his clothing] had an exquisite clarity.
What, besides NOTHING, does "exquisite clarity" say? And "had" is just so damn vivid. And just go for sight, Opera. No need to work in other senses.
* semi-decent because I want to change "giving the effect of" to a more dynamic verb, I'm undecided about naming actual colors in "Shimmery colors", the amount of adjectives in general, and editing out "a wetness like a tongue might leave". I like the wetness bit, but it seems purple. Maybe because of the bland verby-phrasey thingie before it.
Flakes of precious gems decorated [the navel bar's] tip. Shimmery colors melted into the thin spray of sweat on his pale skin, giving the effect of a wetness like a tongue might leave. and then half a paragraph later... {his clothing] had an exquisite clarity.
What, besides NOTHING, does "exquisite clarity" say? And "had" is just so damn vivid. And just go for sight, Opera. No need to work in other senses.
* semi-decent because I want to change "giving the effect of" to a more dynamic verb, I'm undecided about naming actual colors in "Shimmery colors", the amount of adjectives in general, and editing out "a wetness like a tongue might leave". I like the wetness bit, but it seems purple. Maybe because of the bland verby-phrasey thingie before it.