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One of the pleas inside the Lord's Prayer is "Forgive me of my trespasses as I forgive those who trespass against me."
I've always had trouble saying those words with conviction. Not because I find anything morally wrong...but because while I would greatly enjoy being forgiven of trespasses, I'm not always so willing to be the one doing the forgiving.
Or rather, I'm not willing to forgive after I decided I've been trespassed one too many times. Slow to anger, slower to forgive I guess.
I'm a good initial forgiver. I let alot of things pass. For the sake of friendship I overlook a ton of things...I'm not trying to sound magnanimous or the EverSufferingSaint!Opera; a big reason why I do that is because I appreciate when a friend does likewise towards me. IMHO, it's one the ways good people treat other people. Worthwhile friends inspire decency in me, and I try to display that.
/patting my perfect self on the back
So once I've been shafted enough to stamp the trespassed against label on me, I'm generally very unforgiving. I've never had a situation where someone does me one immediate, horrible wrong (omg! You slept with my husband!). The times I've had to end a friendship or aquaintence it's been because there's been far too many little wrongs to continue forgiving. I feel friends forgive each other... but I also angst over the idea that friends don't do a whole lot to each other that needs forgiveness. Friendship is a two way street. It's hard to forgive someone and remain his/her friend when he/she does little to treat you like a friend in return.
so THE QUESTION becomes: Does forgiveness require approval? I'm tired of being upset by how I was treated. I'd like to forgive and forget... yet. I really don't want to. I was treated like shit. Treated like shit while going out of my way to do right for the Other Party. To forgive, kinda sorta seems to say... hey the way you treated me doesn't matter anymore. But it does matter. I was hurt deeply and I'm not okay with that. I don't want to resume a friendship with the Other Party. I don't even want contact with them. But I do want to move on from it.
I do want to be able to say. Hey, some people are fucks and there's no use losing any sleep over it. But in order to say that and believe it and let it go there has to be at least a minute level of forgiveness. Something has to be tossed away in order for me to slide out from underneath this weight.
And right now, I'm not willing to do any tossing. Every wrong is a perfect pearl that I like to caress and wear as a necklace to social gatherings.
I'm unwilling to forgive/approve of the former friend's behaviour. So I'm stuck in this angry rut. It's weird, unhealthy and tiring. I've got an illness that can do all those things for me. I don't need a ghost doing it as well.
I've always had trouble saying those words with conviction. Not because I find anything morally wrong...but because while I would greatly enjoy being forgiven of trespasses, I'm not always so willing to be the one doing the forgiving.
Or rather, I'm not willing to forgive after I decided I've been trespassed one too many times. Slow to anger, slower to forgive I guess.
I'm a good initial forgiver. I let alot of things pass. For the sake of friendship I overlook a ton of things...I'm not trying to sound magnanimous or the EverSufferingSaint!Opera; a big reason why I do that is because I appreciate when a friend does likewise towards me. IMHO, it's one the ways good people treat other people. Worthwhile friends inspire decency in me, and I try to display that.
/patting my perfect self on the back
So once I've been shafted enough to stamp the trespassed against label on me, I'm generally very unforgiving. I've never had a situation where someone does me one immediate, horrible wrong (omg! You slept with my husband!). The times I've had to end a friendship or aquaintence it's been because there's been far too many little wrongs to continue forgiving. I feel friends forgive each other... but I also angst over the idea that friends don't do a whole lot to each other that needs forgiveness. Friendship is a two way street. It's hard to forgive someone and remain his/her friend when he/she does little to treat you like a friend in return.
so THE QUESTION becomes: Does forgiveness require approval? I'm tired of being upset by how I was treated. I'd like to forgive and forget... yet. I really don't want to. I was treated like shit. Treated like shit while going out of my way to do right for the Other Party. To forgive, kinda sorta seems to say... hey the way you treated me doesn't matter anymore. But it does matter. I was hurt deeply and I'm not okay with that. I don't want to resume a friendship with the Other Party. I don't even want contact with them. But I do want to move on from it.
I do want to be able to say. Hey, some people are fucks and there's no use losing any sleep over it. But in order to say that and believe it and let it go there has to be at least a minute level of forgiveness. Something has to be tossed away in order for me to slide out from underneath this weight.
And right now, I'm not willing to do any tossing. Every wrong is a perfect pearl that I like to caress and wear as a necklace to social gatherings.
I'm unwilling to forgive/approve of the former friend's behaviour. So I'm stuck in this angry rut. It's weird, unhealthy and tiring. I've got an illness that can do all those things for me. I don't need a ghost doing it as well.
