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Smackdown
Employer Christmas Party last night which meant crappy buffet chicken, having to be nice to people I don't like being nice when I'm getting paid to do so, four-dollar beer, and missing Smackdown. Luckily, some of us ditched early and went elsewhere for bitchfest/smaller celebration.
Enough about me! Smackdown awaits
Jeff and Trips catfight all over the arena. Sweaty, grabby-hands, writhing catfight. Slither for my gratification you oily wretches! Chavo is sent into the fray to put an end to this hot nonsense. But, he hesitates. He sees a beauty Vickie won't.
Vickie ends up getting pushed down by Charles Robinson while Dean Malenko gropes Jeff and whispers "Sing torchsongs for me, buttercup." Jeff recoils, Trips charges-- it's Motorhead or it's silence.
A commercial break does nothing anyone's temper. Tazz and JR gossip like 7th grade girls, and footage from 4 minutes ago re-rolls and I'm sure WishTheWorst and Steph are beside themselves with OTP glee.
MVP and R-truth have a match. Moar lyke R-FastForward. AM I RITE. Kennedy shows up to shill his direct-to-the-bargain-bin release. He has MVP's mike cut, but MVP keeps yelling. MVP, I love more and more.
Vignette: Some hot dude has a Raj al-Ghoul gimmick and he's hellbent on jobbing to Taker at Wrestlemania. Just a wee bit of advice, don't ever tell Taker you want to be his vessel. I mean, I'm down with the idea of a hot unknown you submitting to my favorite bringer of non-con, but it could get ugly for ya.
Backstage, the Bella Twins discussed Bath and Body Works newest shampoo: Pinkie Pinkest Smellie Fruit. Brian Kendrick stops by, and wonders how those girls are going to be able to sports entertain? Too exhausted, right? From running through his mind all day.
Primo shows up to defend their Doublemint honor... or does he? That moustache/sorta goatee suggests it maybe be an evil, alternate dimension Primo. Luckily, this dimension's Tropical Bon-Bon is sweetly and snarkily present. Primo suggests that if Kendrick is feeling froggy, perhaps he should jump. Zeke stares dumbstruck in love with the Bon-Bon. Kendrick waves around a lollipop, and he and Zeke are off to the enchanted forest.
Carlito bitches out Primo for the froggy comment. Rightly so. Smackdown fades to commercial as I wonder why Mama y Papa Colon named their second child "First".
Suprise, surprise. The next match is Brian vs. Primo. Boy, their backstage issues could not have come at more storyline convenient time. Primo kicks Kendrick all over the ring while Tazz heaves plot anvils at us. "Kendrick is like that kid in high school who's buddies with the football team." Zeke, though his heart is breaking, shoves Carlito into the unforgiving steel steps. Enough distraction is created for Brian to hit his finisher PassOutDrunkOnTopOfYOu. He celebrates, but Zeke's all "Baby, just put your coat on."
More catfighting! A douche-rocker overdub croons about "Going down." More anvils!
DX shills Shopzone product. HHH and Shawn have never heard of the term "Hoodie", they believe in wearing layers even when near the equator. Shawn's repulsed by HHH's teddy bear. Calls it, I believe, Conan the bar-bearian. Someone's been watching Stroker and Hoop. HHH calls out Shawn on his Village People bear. Then they argue about hair. Girls, girls. You're both pretty.
The mystery of Helms' new tattoo is solved. It says. HELMS. He has his last name tattoo'd in the giant green letters on his back. And he's been wearing fat-guy-who-still-thinks-he's-an-athlete shorts. His fashion crimes will put him in a cell with the Precious.
JR has this to say. "If I had to create the perfect US Champ, mind, body, and soul, it would be Shelton Benjamin."
Creepy.
Shelton and Helms have a rough, mean match. Lots of shoving and punching, with periodic breaks for "pins" that aren't much more than the nestling of a face into a crotch. Good times are had by all.
Afterwards, Tazz hits the ring to discuss with Helms his habit of "Popping up."
The Cutting Edge. Will years' old axes be ground? Find out tonight!
To appease Steph and WtW because there's been at least 10 minutes of Smackdown that hasn't been all about their OTP, Edge wastes valuable Precious time dishing on Jeff and Hunter. THe Precious comes out, and he is still on Fashion Watch. Jeans. T-shirt. Hair in a bun. Edge tells Matt the reason why he's all up in Jeff's business is because no one cares about him. Girl Boner!
Also, I care.
So does Koslov. Lots of shoving, and then the Precious becomes the creamy middle of a designer-jean sandwich. Subpar rough housing, but plenty of delicious verbal humiliation.
Back to what WishTheWorst likes: HHH is yelling at the camera. "Jeff, you can paint your face all you want. Make yourself pretty and irresistable to married men who just want to do right by their kids, make those poor suckers question their vows and their orientation, make them crazy with the love and lust and guilt... young and beautiful, but some day your looks will be gone. When the others turn you off, who will be turning you on?"
Maryse had to wrestle the Bellas so I had to fast forward.
Koslov drops by to mention that he's totally lost his tolerance. He gets buzzed now, on like two Long Island Iced Teas.
Back to Steph and WishTheWorst's OTP. I wonder if they argue like they wrestle. Jeff fully dressed, HHH in his briefs, shoving and screaming at each other about credit card bills. "$400 to Maybelline Direct?!?!" and then, "You can't get make-up out of a faucet. How about spending 17 bucks on a Brita filter instead of hundreds for bottled water?"
At some point the steel steps crumble. Jeff valiently climbs them. Lots of screaming and crying and hitting like girls. More face-on-crotch pins.
Tazz: Like a piston, that's how he's pounding Hardy.
They wear each other out, and the match which was actually quite good, winds down into cuddles. Then Edge shows up and ruins everything, and while he stands on the ramp I notice that the PPV is this Sunday, and that really sucks because Precious Vs. Koslov will likely be done, and HHH and Jeff may be as well and then WishTheWorst will lose interest and I won't have anyone to squee with anymore. OH DARKEST DAY.
Enough about me! Smackdown awaits
Jeff and Trips catfight all over the arena. Sweaty, grabby-hands, writhing catfight. Slither for my gratification you oily wretches! Chavo is sent into the fray to put an end to this hot nonsense. But, he hesitates. He sees a beauty Vickie won't.
Vickie ends up getting pushed down by Charles Robinson while Dean Malenko gropes Jeff and whispers "Sing torchsongs for me, buttercup." Jeff recoils, Trips charges-- it's Motorhead or it's silence.
A commercial break does nothing anyone's temper. Tazz and JR gossip like 7th grade girls, and footage from 4 minutes ago re-rolls and I'm sure WishTheWorst and Steph are beside themselves with OTP glee.
MVP and R-truth have a match. Moar lyke R-FastForward. AM I RITE. Kennedy shows up to shill his direct-to-the-bargain-bin release. He has MVP's mike cut, but MVP keeps yelling. MVP, I love more and more.
Vignette: Some hot dude has a Raj al-Ghoul gimmick and he's hellbent on jobbing to Taker at Wrestlemania. Just a wee bit of advice, don't ever tell Taker you want to be his vessel. I mean, I'm down with the idea of a hot unknown you submitting to my favorite bringer of non-con, but it could get ugly for ya.
Backstage, the Bella Twins discussed Bath and Body Works newest shampoo: Pinkie Pinkest Smellie Fruit. Brian Kendrick stops by, and wonders how those girls are going to be able to sports entertain? Too exhausted, right? From running through his mind all day.
Primo shows up to defend their Doublemint honor... or does he? That moustache/sorta goatee suggests it maybe be an evil, alternate dimension Primo. Luckily, this dimension's Tropical Bon-Bon is sweetly and snarkily present. Primo suggests that if Kendrick is feeling froggy, perhaps he should jump. Zeke stares dumbstruck in love with the Bon-Bon. Kendrick waves around a lollipop, and he and Zeke are off to the enchanted forest.
Carlito bitches out Primo for the froggy comment. Rightly so. Smackdown fades to commercial as I wonder why Mama y Papa Colon named their second child "First".
Suprise, surprise. The next match is Brian vs. Primo. Boy, their backstage issues could not have come at more storyline convenient time. Primo kicks Kendrick all over the ring while Tazz heaves plot anvils at us. "Kendrick is like that kid in high school who's buddies with the football team." Zeke, though his heart is breaking, shoves Carlito into the unforgiving steel steps. Enough distraction is created for Brian to hit his finisher PassOutDrunkOnTopOfYOu. He celebrates, but Zeke's all "Baby, just put your coat on."
More catfighting! A douche-rocker overdub croons about "Going down." More anvils!
DX shills Shopzone product. HHH and Shawn have never heard of the term "Hoodie", they believe in wearing layers even when near the equator. Shawn's repulsed by HHH's teddy bear. Calls it, I believe, Conan the bar-bearian. Someone's been watching Stroker and Hoop. HHH calls out Shawn on his Village People bear. Then they argue about hair. Girls, girls. You're both pretty.
The mystery of Helms' new tattoo is solved. It says. HELMS. He has his last name tattoo'd in the giant green letters on his back. And he's been wearing fat-guy-who-still-thinks-he's-an-athlete shorts. His fashion crimes will put him in a cell with the Precious.
JR has this to say. "If I had to create the perfect US Champ, mind, body, and soul, it would be Shelton Benjamin."
Creepy.
Shelton and Helms have a rough, mean match. Lots of shoving and punching, with periodic breaks for "pins" that aren't much more than the nestling of a face into a crotch. Good times are had by all.
Afterwards, Tazz hits the ring to discuss with Helms his habit of "Popping up."
The Cutting Edge. Will years' old axes be ground? Find out tonight!
To appease Steph and WtW because there's been at least 10 minutes of Smackdown that hasn't been all about their OTP, Edge wastes valuable Precious time dishing on Jeff and Hunter. THe Precious comes out, and he is still on Fashion Watch. Jeans. T-shirt. Hair in a bun. Edge tells Matt the reason why he's all up in Jeff's business is because no one cares about him. Girl Boner!
Also, I care.
So does Koslov. Lots of shoving, and then the Precious becomes the creamy middle of a designer-jean sandwich. Subpar rough housing, but plenty of delicious verbal humiliation.
Back to what WishTheWorst likes: HHH is yelling at the camera. "Jeff, you can paint your face all you want. Make yourself pretty and irresistable to married men who just want to do right by their kids, make those poor suckers question their vows and their orientation, make them crazy with the love and lust and guilt... young and beautiful, but some day your looks will be gone. When the others turn you off, who will be turning you on?"
Maryse had to wrestle the Bellas so I had to fast forward.
Koslov drops by to mention that he's totally lost his tolerance. He gets buzzed now, on like two Long Island Iced Teas.
Back to Steph and WishTheWorst's OTP. I wonder if they argue like they wrestle. Jeff fully dressed, HHH in his briefs, shoving and screaming at each other about credit card bills. "$400 to Maybelline Direct?!?!" and then, "You can't get make-up out of a faucet. How about spending 17 bucks on a Brita filter instead of hundreds for bottled water?"
At some point the steel steps crumble. Jeff valiently climbs them. Lots of screaming and crying and hitting like girls. More face-on-crotch pins.
Tazz: Like a piston, that's how he's pounding Hardy.
They wear each other out, and the match which was actually quite good, winds down into cuddles. Then Edge shows up and ruins everything, and while he stands on the ramp I notice that the PPV is this Sunday, and that really sucks because Precious Vs. Koslov will likely be done, and HHH and Jeff may be as well and then WishTheWorst will lose interest and I won't have anyone to squee with anymore. OH DARKEST DAY.
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