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Raw Recap and Rant
But first, Stasia! Edge has our Supergirl underwear. Bubba's gonna have more lapdances than he'll know what to do with.
--The front row, opposite the camera, featured a row oftinhatted folks wearing Hersey-Kiss shaped foil on their heads.
--John was out first, and learned us on choices, loyalty and keeping it real. He will go to bat for the soldiers who ride with him, mixed-metaphorically speaking.
--Lita slithered onto the ramp and announced that she blew Vince so Edge doesn't have to defend the title tonight. That's nice.
--She gave us tantalizing hints about the main event. Edge was going to do "something that begins with the letter F."
Fluff Triple H?
Somewhere along the line, it was announced that it would be Edge Vs. Cena at the Royal Rumble. If I was the positive sort, I could take comfort in the fact that an RR match between these two means at least one won't be headlining Wrestlemania. But, fuck the bright side. Here is a list of those I'd rather see in the title picture:
a)The BK King
b)Jared
c)The Fat Guy in the red, ill-fitting t-shirt who claims that Arby's S.U.B's are better than SUVs.
d)The 1/2 pound Cheesy Bean and Rice Burrito
During Trish's intro, Mickie stole The Pretty Lillian's mic. The PL was not having it. Touch her mic, get a cap in yo ass. Poor Trish had to wrestle with Ashley. And by wrestling, I mean move around desperately while Ashley stood around like a clod.
Rob! promo. The Pretty shall return at the Royal Rumble.
Backstage, Cena FINALLY behaved as a normal human might. When lectured by Vince to stay away from the Live Sex Main Event, Cena was "I'll be watching the boobs like everyone else."
Also backstage was the Tropical Bon-Bon, and he was getting roughed up by Masters.
Masters: Can I trust you?
Carlito: More than Michaels and Angle can trust each other.
The snark, she is sweet and succulent.
After Masters charges off, Carlito looked around the locker room with a hangdog 'What am I going to do now' expression.
Wiggle. Pants.
A last bit of backstaginess, leaves us with the knowledge than Val Venis has recently starred in Hairy Twatter. That's nice.
It annoys me that WWE will go out an hire an actress to threaten Shelton with the belt, when there are plenty of wrestlers who I would pay American Dollars to see threaten Shelton with a belt. In fact, it doesn't even have to be Shelton. I could divide the roster into Belters, Beltees and GetOffMyTv.
Kane Vs. Snitsky for a Rumble spot was sadly squashful. And terribly dialogued. Kane warned that Snitsky was merely the first body to fall on his "path to Wrestlemania". Uh, deathmarch, hellride, killing spree. Specific, lively and apt! Sheesh.
Carlito/Master Vs. Angle/HBK hardly seemed fair. It worked out differently, but going in the match felt so WCW-style squash.
The Rant You've Been Skimming For
The pre-Live Sex, Edge video-package broke my heart. So much of it was artfully spliced TLC years stuff-- The Dudleys, Jeff, and Christian mostly edited out, Matt shown jobbing or crashlanding. Way to build your own career on the wreckage of others'.
With seemingly so many rivals to backstab and climb over, Edge decided instead to backstab Matt. Even Triple H, King Ruiner of Everything In Order To Keep The Belt, risked (and caught) major trouble for valuing friendship above the business. And I'm not managing at all to say how I feel.
I hope on Sunday Edge had no one to celebrate his win with.
The ME itself:
Edge got wood about two minutes into the deal. Lita wore Ashley clothes. Naitch cockblocked. Cena, tired of boobs, showed up to ruck some fules.
--The front row, opposite the camera, featured a row of
--John was out first, and learned us on choices, loyalty and keeping it real. He will go to bat for the soldiers who ride with him, mixed-metaphorically speaking.
--Lita slithered onto the ramp and announced that she blew Vince so Edge doesn't have to defend the title tonight. That's nice.
--She gave us tantalizing hints about the main event. Edge was going to do "something that begins with the letter F."
Fluff Triple H?
Somewhere along the line, it was announced that it would be Edge Vs. Cena at the Royal Rumble. If I was the positive sort, I could take comfort in the fact that an RR match between these two means at least one won't be headlining Wrestlemania. But, fuck the bright side. Here is a list of those I'd rather see in the title picture:
a)The BK King
b)Jared
c)The Fat Guy in the red, ill-fitting t-shirt who claims that Arby's S.U.B's are better than SUVs.
d)The 1/2 pound Cheesy Bean and Rice Burrito
During Trish's intro, Mickie stole The Pretty Lillian's mic. The PL was not having it. Touch her mic, get a cap in yo ass. Poor Trish had to wrestle with Ashley. And by wrestling, I mean move around desperately while Ashley stood around like a clod.
Rob! promo. The Pretty shall return at the Royal Rumble.
Backstage, Cena FINALLY behaved as a normal human might. When lectured by Vince to stay away from the Live Sex Main Event, Cena was "I'll be watching the boobs like everyone else."
Also backstage was the Tropical Bon-Bon, and he was getting roughed up by Masters.
Masters: Can I trust you?
Carlito: More than Michaels and Angle can trust each other.
The snark, she is sweet and succulent.
After Masters charges off, Carlito looked around the locker room with a hangdog 'What am I going to do now' expression.
Wiggle. Pants.
A last bit of backstaginess, leaves us with the knowledge than Val Venis has recently starred in Hairy Twatter. That's nice.
It annoys me that WWE will go out an hire an actress to threaten Shelton with the belt, when there are plenty of wrestlers who I would pay American Dollars to see threaten Shelton with a belt. In fact, it doesn't even have to be Shelton. I could divide the roster into Belters, Beltees and GetOffMyTv.
Kane Vs. Snitsky for a Rumble spot was sadly squashful. And terribly dialogued. Kane warned that Snitsky was merely the first body to fall on his "path to Wrestlemania". Uh, deathmarch, hellride, killing spree. Specific, lively and apt! Sheesh.
Carlito/Master Vs. Angle/HBK hardly seemed fair. It worked out differently, but going in the match felt so WCW-style squash.
The Rant You've Been Skimming For
The pre-Live Sex, Edge video-package broke my heart. So much of it was artfully spliced TLC years stuff-- The Dudleys, Jeff, and Christian mostly edited out, Matt shown jobbing or crashlanding. Way to build your own career on the wreckage of others'.
With seemingly so many rivals to backstab and climb over, Edge decided instead to backstab Matt. Even Triple H, King Ruiner of Everything In Order To Keep The Belt, risked (and caught) major trouble for valuing friendship above the business. And I'm not managing at all to say how I feel.
I hope on Sunday Edge had no one to celebrate his win with.
The ME itself:
Edge got wood about two minutes into the deal. Lita wore Ashley clothes. Naitch cockblocked. Cena, tired of boobs, showed up to ruck some fules.
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