Wrestlemania

[opera142]

REY!

Oh wait. Chronological. Ahem. Must try to think through the joy. Okay. Raw tag match. Big Show & Kane Vs. Carlito & Masters. Tangerine-colored shorts for the Bon-Bon, a sedate, dusky orange for Masters. Pure pimp and pyro for Sweet Daddy Sugar Kane. Carlito did a somersault on the ramp. Oddly flat match. A mix of Rawr!Smash! and Carlito attempting feats of strength upon Big Show. Short too. SDSK and Big Show retain.

The pretty Lillian was in a very low-cut, orange number. Mrowl. Giant pictures of wrestlers, the HoF inductees and the McMahon decorated the arena.

MitB. They blew the precious wads ways too early. Le ment. Mr. Benjamin stole the damn show. Gorgeous spot after gorgeous spot. In one, a ladder was laying nosedown in the ring, base on the ropes and Shelton ran the incline, then plancha'ed onto the guys outside. In another, Matt and Finlay were slugging it out atop individual ladders, and Shelton leapfrogged from the ropes onto a ladder and joined in the brawl. Flair bumped like madman. The Precious hit the Side Effect, on Flair, off the ladder. Best of all, Rob won. Acted like a spaz. Kept dropping the briefcase and falling down.

JBL Vs. Benoit. Thank goodness Jillian wore a skirt. Other than Benoit going into a suplex frenzy, it was the only good thing about this match. JBL is our new United States Champion. Poopies.

Foley Vs. Edge. They let Joey call this one. Standard "hardcore", with a few fun touches. Each guy had hidden weapons under the stairs. Edge bladed onscreen. Way to go. Foley used barbed wire like garrote. Lita sprayed Foley with lighter fluid. Edge got a back full of tacks. Lita ate a barbed wire mandible claw, sold it with a blood pill. Sadly, Edge and Foley did not engage in barbed wire bondage. Instead, just as Lita ignited a table, Edge speared Foley onto it. Winner: Edge. Boo.

Backstage, Sharmell bemoaned the fact that Booker seems to draw freaks. As they walked to the ring, they passed Paul Burchill chirping on and on about piracy, Snitsky SUCKING MAE YOUNG'S TOES, Eugene getting scammed by Ted Dibase, and Goldust dressed as Oprah. Oprah, not Opera.

I hope a nerd army arises on Raw.

Women's Title match. Trish Vs. Mickie.

Holy everything. Awesome. Those broads were punching the pretty out of each other. Crowd cheered like mad for Mickie. Mickey blocked a pin by kneeing Trish in the face. Grabbed Trish's crotch and then did the tongue between a V of fingers. Nice Psycho touch. After a messed-up attempt at the Stratusfaction, Mickie chick-kicked Trish and got a pinfall.

Taker Vs. M. Henry. Poor them. Their's was a matchdoomed to be slow and tedious from its conception. Then it had to follow Trish and Mickie's Pure Awesomeness. Taker won, whatever.

Backstage, Vince ordered his brood on their knees and they prayed. Vince bragged about his body. Shane and Linda rolled their eyes.

Vince Vs. HBK

The gay was all over this match. Shawn had new chaps. Vince took off his belt and whipped Shawn. A gaggle of male cheerleaders ran in and everyone got a piece of Shawn until Shawn grabbed hold of Mitch's megaphone. He dealt out righteous face revenge. Next out was Shane. With a kendo stick. Quick work was made of Mr. HBK. Vince dropped his pants. When Shane latched onto HBK, HBK reversed it, and it was Shane's young tongue that met the musky nether pucker of his father. Yeah, father/son incestuous rimming is CANON. Then it was handcuff time for Shane and a beating for Vince. Everytime Shawn went to gather a new weapon from the under the ring, the handcuffed and pretty Shane would kick at him. Eventually, Prone!Vince was spread out on a table with a trash can over his head, HBK climbed a huge ladder, made the DX gesture, then elbow dropped on McMahon. For a few minutes, they couldn't get the dented can off Vince, so Shane and Shawn had to brawl. Superkick to Vince, 1-2-3.

Post-match, as Vince was lead out on a stretcher, he gave Shawn the finger.

SD! HW Belt.

Rey appeared with giant bird headpiece. Aztecy or Mayan. Very colorful. Very cool. Randy's pee-pee was on high alert. Angle was his usual untouchable self. Lots of cool tandem moves. Randy was going to suplex Rey, but Angle grabbed Randy and suplexed them both. A little more oomph, and Rey would have landed in the third row. More stuff that I'm just too dazzled to remember/describe. Wooo. Ray pinned Randy. Chavo and Vickie came out to congratulate him him.

REY!

Playboy match. Bleh.

Raw HW Belt.

Triple H has become a LARPer. Omg. Where to start. Crappy CGI skull video package. New Motorhead song that rambled about kings. HHH arose through the ramp on A THRONE. Dressed in BARBARIAN DRAG. A barbarian who has found Christ. At least, found him enough to wear germanic-style iron crosses, but still missing him enough to anoint his own self as the King of Kings. And, the CROWN. Lord, THE CROWN. Leather and crosses and knots and bling. HE WAS WEARING A PELT AND CHAINMAIL. And adorned was he with many crosses and a giant fake sledge hammer. Carried did he, a plastic chalice of Aquafina.

After giving the world several minutes to stop laughing, a video package on the depression and gangsters and good work ethics played. Many indy wrestlers and CM Punk arrived in an old timey car. Sadly, a dance number never came about. Cena appeared in a trench coat but no pants. He shot off a tommy gun, then stomped to the ring.

Slow match. So slow. There is a difference between methodical and plodding. Somewhere in the all the muddle, HHH did a few DX gestures. Please don't let this mean a return of XPAC. Please.

The wrestling was So Slow. Nothing spectacular, at all. SD!'s match so should have been the finale. This was middle of the card quality. Cena retained. Buh?!?!?! He celebrated as HHH slunk back to the steppes. Soon Rome will be at his mercy.